SIX TIPS FOR IMPROVED COMMUNICATION

In my last post on error, I suggested that if we approached our interactions with the same care that the FAA approaches aeronautical decision making (ADM), then we'd fare better in our communications with others. Because we learn to communicate so early in life and because we do it with such regularity, and because so often a quick response is either expected or demanded of us, it can be difficult to change our communication habits. Some people never think to or wouldn't dare to change this apparently fundamental process. They chalk up everything from intonation and diction to rudeness and even belligerence as a consequence of natural character, as though character weren't also naturally modifiable. "That's just who I am," is a common refrain of the dedicated asshole, who continually fails to realize that it is exactly his persistence in being an asshole which drives away all intelligent, kind, and self-respecting persons and consequently leaves him - as he often loves to point out - surrounded by assholes. There's a good chance that if we're seeing an asshole, it's because we're being an asshole. Here today I offer a few tips which have helped me to clear the shit from my own eyes and communicate more effectively. 

1) Chill the fuck out. 

However we may want to defend ourselves, prove our righteousness or innocence, or another's wrongness, whatever we want to say, we are not going to get it clearly across from an emotionally agitated state. Intense emotions limit our perspectives and ability to appropriately and accurately frame our meaning and intent. Emotions are reactive but don't address the source of the emotion; they aren't an answer, but a signpost to direct your attention towards your real needs, values, and desires. Whether we're disappointed, sad, angry, or even jubilant, these emotions arrive because behind them there is something that we deeply care about being highlighted one way or the other. 

Instead of reacting emotionally, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself what it is that you value which, in combination with the current circumstance, has triggered your emotions, and focus on that value. In the case of any emotion, you can say to yourself "I feel [this way] because I value/need/love/desire [this thing], and I feel like that value/need/love/desire isn't/is being met." Now that you're focused on what you care about, it's a lot easier to keep your conversation focused on what matters to you and move you back towards fulfillment.

Understand that others have values, needs, love, and desires also, and their emotional upset may be prompted by a similar incongruity between these and the current state as they perceive it. There's a good chance that both of you want to return to a place of mutual understanding and appreciation, so be confident that you can both arrive there with a little work, and chill the fuck out.

If you are too upset or emotional to do anything but react emotionally, recognize that and take a time-out. Seriously. You may need to take a five- or fifteen-minute walk, or even sleep on it. Sometimes it's tricky, and not always convenient, but bowing out for a few is way better than saying something awful that you forever regret, or which simply makes matters worse. Be prepared with a phrase like, "I want to resolve this matter with you. But right now I'm too emotional, and I don't think I can communicate well enough to do that. I'm going to take [a few minutes, a day] to settle down and reflect on this because I care about this, I care about us, and I care about you." Then, take that time. Don't let others bait you or pressure you into emotional reactions because they're still emotional. If you must, breathe deeply and insist along the lines of "I just need a little time to chill the fuck out, please."

If you're relaxed, you'll also speak more slowly, and be easier to understand and less likely to overwhelm others. So chill the fuck out, and don't let your inclination to react emotionally upend your priority to communicate effectively.

2) Be with the person you are speaking with.

The less present we are, the more likely we are to miscommunicate. Do not attempt to converse with others while distracted by devices, books, televisions, or any other stimulation. Do not speak from the next room or shout across the house at each other. Ill-considered speech, unobserved facial expressions, and tones of voice warped by the need to be loud can all lead to misunderstanding. If you value what you have to say, say it face to face.

3) Respect the communication needs and values of others.

I know I just said "say it face to face," but it's also my understanding that some people on the spectrum can't be expected to do that. In some cultures, eye contact with superiors is an insult, or frankly saying "no" is rude. In Newburg and Waldman's "Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies That Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy," (a brilliantly useful, potent little book in which many of these ideas are rooted) I learned that not everyone has the same communications values that I do. It's good to ask and discover the communication values of people with whom we frequently communicate in particular. Your communications values are those features which are important to you when you're communicating with others, and what you expect of others when they communicate with you.

For example, while I value honesty, freedom of expression, and the search for truth - and though I thought these obvious choices for everyone - I found out that my husband values honesty, brevity, and kindness. This knowledge alone transformed our communication. My speech could be too brutal in tone and prolix for him, whereas I found him insufficiently expressive and felt like he wasn't hearing me (because I was simply talking too much all at once). Knowing these things, I try to soften my tone and notice when I've been talking longer than I should, recognizing the signs of his verbal saturation point. Pausing more often gives him the space to think and express more often, during which time he can make clear that he hears and understands me.

Not everyone wants or needs to communicate in the way that you do. Figuring out differences in communication values will allow you to make sense of and bridge the gaps between communication styles between yourself and another, allowing you to sail right over chasms of misunderstanding. 

4) Let others speak.

Don't hog the conversation. If you find you're doing most of the talking, shut the fuck up. If you want to do all the talking and not care much about how you come across to others, then write a fucking blog. Conversation is for two, and that means shutting the fuck up often. The more vital and emotionally charged the conversation, the more often you should stop talking. As a rule, when you speak, try for no more than three brief to reasonably-sized sentences max, twenty to thirty seconds, absolute tops. 

Commercials are kept so brief because beyond even those few seconds, our attention begins to wander. If what you have to say is important, then you want to make it easier for people to listen, not easier to consider what's for dinner or the fact that they really should be getting work done instead of sitting here going over this bullshit with you. And you don't really want to get it all out at once, anyway: most of the time, people are just going to cling to the thing that invokes an emotional response and forget everything else. So it's in your best interest to deal with one brief, little thought at a time and to let others do the same. You're also more likely to achieve understanding sooner in this way because there's simply less to process and make sense of all at once. Fewer words mean fewer opportunities for misinterpretation.

If you want to communicate with others, then you need their input. You can't simply tell others what you think they ought to do and expect them to obey. You are not communicating unless all parties are both hearing and understanding what each of you has to say. Stop talking so much all at once. Offer up one thought or topic at a time, then give the other person some time to think, and then some more time to respond with their thoughts. And then

5) Listen.

Stop thinking about the next thing you want to say, the next point you want to make, the next reason they should do this or that, or whatever distraction besides. Now that you've shut your mouth the fuck up, shut your inner monologue the fuck up and really hear what the other person has to say.  Focus on their words, tone, and facial expressions. Then reflect for some more time on what they have to say. (Similarly, give others time to digest what you have to say before they respond). What do you interpret their words to mean? Do you really believe that's what they mean? You may find that you've had an emotional reaction to their words. Chill the fuck out and think.

Remember that the other person also has needs and values. You may have to clarify what these are with them in order to ensure that you're working to fulfill them as needed, also. You need that person's input, and that means you need that person, so this isn't all about you. 

If you miss what they say because you were too busy thinking or got distracted when they were mid-sentence, you can say "I'm sorry, I think I missed something. Could you please repeat that?" Observe closely their words, tone, and expression, and then put it all together, reflect on these, and try to understand. If the words in your head - your interpretation of the words they spoke - don't actually sound like the words they spoke, they may not mean what you think they mean. If they sound the same but it doesn't seem right to you, don't simply conclude that they're in the wrong. In most cases, don't presume to know what they mean but clarify your understanding. 

You'll want to ask things like "I think what I'm hearing is [this]. Does that sound like a correct interpretation of what you mean?"  or "I don't think I understand what you meant when you said [this]. Can you explain a little more?" It will do you no good to continue the conversation from the point of misunderstanding, so be sure that you're clear before you proceed. Don't just hear the person, but also take the time to ensure that you understand what they mean. 

6) Say only what you mean. 

Little is more tiresome than sarcasm. People think it's clever, but the tactic is easy and old: you just say the opposite of what you mean, and if you're good at it then you intone your speech in such a way so as to imply that one is an idiot if they concur with your spoken words. Understand that even an idiot can do that. Besides being mean and ugly, sarcasm is exceedingly overused. Trevor Philips, that villainous rascal of Rockstar's GTA V, hits the nail on the head when he proclaims "Sarcasm is the blight of the age!" More instructive with his "Four Agreements," Don Miguel Ruiz says "Be impeccable with your word." Sarcasm is the opposite of speaking your truth; it's essentially lying to make someone else look like an ass. Comedians may make you laugh with it, but if you have ever made the mistake of using it while arguing with a loved one, then you've seen how sarcasm is taken for an affront and immediately erodes trust and raises hackles even more. Break this vulgar and nasty habit now. You can do better.

Neither should you bring up unimportant details or irrelevant matters. Stay focused on the topic at hand. If you don't recall what that is, return the conversation to the needs and values that each of you is trying to achieve, and ensure that your discussion stays related to their achievement.

These six tips won't solve all of your communication problems and probably won't stop you from being lazy in your speech and writing, either. But as ever, a little practice will naturally change your habits. Try using the tips above in lighter, less emotionally charged conversations, where it will be much easier to stay calm and focused on implementing any new techniques. You'll also more deftly handle the awkwardness which may arise as integration of new habits feels a bit stilted at first. I believe that like me, you will eventually find yourself deescalating, resolving, or even avoiding conflict - as well as so much needless frustration, sorrow, and anger - with these tips kept in mind. I hope that with them you achieve a deeper understanding of your fellows, increased harmony in your relations, and greater intimacy with those you love.

Be well!