THE POINT

She asked, "Why do you think people need your help, Grey?"

"It's not that they need my help," I told her, "Everybody needs help, sometimes."

"You know you do it for you, right?"

"Duh, Woman! Of course, I do it for me. Of course, my motivation is selfish. I am aware of that. I do it because it makes me feel good!"

And with that she was satisfied. We'd already been over all this before, so I found it intriguing that she felt the need to again point out the self-interest motivating even altruism. It occurred to me later that it may have not have been an effort to diminish my endeavors in kindness so much as it was granting herself permission not to aspire to any sort of goodwill or charity, all things really being the same in the end, as for her they are. Nothing ever makes any significant difference at all. All is personal and ephemeral. At allowing - and at concluding that there is no good reason to do much of anything at all - she is one of the cleverest people I know. I appreciate her genius in these and many other regards. She is intelligent, fun, and keeps me on my toes.

Even when I did similarly suppose that everything was personal and ephemeral, however, a little experimentation revealed that kindness towards and support of my fellows really feels to me to be the most gratifying thing. 

With sensual pleasures, there's always the push for bigger, better, and more. After a while, and with any pleasure, a mere shift in perspective (or health, or circumstance) suddenly transforms the upward spiral into a downward spiral, and so long as the pursuit maintains momentum there remains a deadly hunger, a voraciousness that compels one to neglect, abandon, or obliterate anything in the path of its satisfaction, the ruinous energy of rapacity. For me, all that hungering only ever amounted to a keen intuition of self-destruction - or at least the annihilation of anything I truly valued in me. Stepping back to witness the trajectory of fervent desires for anything tangible, the path always seems to terminate - even in realization - in fruitlessness, dissatisfaction, and both spiritual and physical suicide, if only by the mere slow means of neglect of the greater self, or other and better possibilities.

It occurs to me now that the pursuit of gratification via kindness towards others is probably not so very different. Anything that makes here, now and all that is insufficient necessarily diminishes the quality of here, now, and all that is. To be gratified has to be the first experience, not the final. 

Honestly, I think I understand what it is to be generally and genuinely satisfied, and, man, sometimes I see the ache out there and want so much to share my joy. Here is so much love, I would say; but you know - I know - I can't make people feel it if they can't access it within in the first place. Love never came from outside of us, we only ever felt it within. But sometimes it was a smile or a helping hand that showed us it was there. A little triggering of our empathy circuitry, mirror neurons firing and - BAM! - our hearts shine. Fuck that wiring with patterns of pain, fear, and doubt, and it's a lot harder to trigger, develop and maintain love. Without love, though, sure as fuck healing ain't gonna happen, either. 

I told another about a recent experience: as I meditated I was suddenly overwhelmed with deep gratitude for our capacity to love. How extremely fortunate we are, how utterly blessed we must be to have ever known of it, ever felt it, ever craved it, ever for even a moment had a fluttering inkling of love. All complaint seemed absurd, all dissatisfaction senseless, when always here within us we have instant access to this greatest of all gifts any time we would tap into it and allow it. And how close we are to seeing that we can simply feel and be this love!

I explained it like this, and dude smirked and said, "Yeah, but you can't expect everyone to understand that."

Fuck. He's missing the whole fucking point, I thought, a bit crestfallen but unsurprised. Again, I found myself confronted by the endeavor to thwart or dismiss such a fine and simple thing. It's a funny propensity in humans - to tear down where we can't fathom easy success in building up. I get it, of course. I get it. But still, it seems to me to easy to understand that the only way to get anything done is to start. And the work can only ever be done right here, right now, by us. If we stop - hell, if we don't even start - we fail. 

I suppose some people would rather not try lest they fail. Damn. That's weak and lame as fuck. Whether or not we would make a difference, whether or not we would fail is entirely beside the point. The point is to put into the world what we want to see in the world. We can only ever do that right here and right now. Just the right place, the right time, the right circumstance for success - we don't really know these things. But for every moment that we ain't shining our shine as best we can, man, we are really fucking blowing it.

Get loving now, friends, and everywhere, all the time. Don't stop. You are loved. You are love. 

SIX TIPS FOR IMPROVED COMMUNICATION

In my last post on error, I suggested that if we approached our interactions with the same care that the FAA approaches aeronautical decision making (ADM), then we'd fare better in our communications with others. Because we learn to communicate so early in life and because we do it with such regularity, and because so often a quick response is either expected or demanded of us, it can be difficult to change our communication habits. Some people never think to or wouldn't dare to change this apparently fundamental process. They chalk up everything from intonation and diction to rudeness and even belligerence as a consequence of natural character, as though character weren't also naturally modifiable. "That's just who I am," is a common refrain of the dedicated asshole, who continually fails to realize that it is exactly his persistence in being an asshole which drives away all intelligent, kind, and self-respecting persons and consequently leaves him - as he often loves to point out - surrounded by assholes. There's a good chance that if we're seeing an asshole, it's because we're being an asshole. Here today I offer a few tips which have helped me to clear the shit from my own eyes and communicate more effectively. 

1) Chill the fuck out. 

However we may want to defend ourselves, prove our righteousness or innocence, or another's wrongness, whatever we want to say, we are not going to get it clearly across from an emotionally agitated state. Intense emotions limit our perspectives and ability to appropriately and accurately frame our meaning and intent. Emotions are reactive but don't address the source of the emotion; they aren't an answer, but a signpost to direct your attention towards your real needs, values, and desires. Whether we're disappointed, sad, angry, or even jubilant, these emotions arrive because behind them there is something that we deeply care about being highlighted one way or the other. 

Instead of reacting emotionally, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself what it is that you value which, in combination with the current circumstance, has triggered your emotions, and focus on that value. In the case of any emotion, you can say to yourself "I feel [this way] because I value/need/love/desire [this thing], and I feel like that value/need/love/desire isn't/is being met." Now that you're focused on what you care about, it's a lot easier to keep your conversation focused on what matters to you and move you back towards fulfillment.

Understand that others have values, needs, love, and desires also, and their emotional upset may be prompted by a similar incongruity between these and the current state as they perceive it. There's a good chance that both of you want to return to a place of mutual understanding and appreciation, so be confident that you can both arrive there with a little work, and chill the fuck out.

If you are too upset or emotional to do anything but react emotionally, recognize that and take a time-out. Seriously. You may need to take a five- or fifteen-minute walk, or even sleep on it. Sometimes it's tricky, and not always convenient, but bowing out for a few is way better than saying something awful that you forever regret, or which simply makes matters worse. Be prepared with a phrase like, "I want to resolve this matter with you. But right now I'm too emotional, and I don't think I can communicate well enough to do that. I'm going to take [a few minutes, a day] to settle down and reflect on this because I care about this, I care about us, and I care about you." Then, take that time. Don't let others bait you or pressure you into emotional reactions because they're still emotional. If you must, breathe deeply and insist along the lines of "I just need a little time to chill the fuck out, please."

If you're relaxed, you'll also speak more slowly, and be easier to understand and less likely to overwhelm others. So chill the fuck out, and don't let your inclination to react emotionally upend your priority to communicate effectively.

2) Be with the person you are speaking with.

The less present we are, the more likely we are to miscommunicate. Do not attempt to converse with others while distracted by devices, books, televisions, or any other stimulation. Do not speak from the next room or shout across the house at each other. Ill-considered speech, unobserved facial expressions, and tones of voice warped by the need to be loud can all lead to misunderstanding. If you value what you have to say, say it face to face.

3) Respect the communication needs and values of others.

I know I just said "say it face to face," but it's also my understanding that some people on the spectrum can't be expected to do that. In some cultures, eye contact with superiors is an insult, or frankly saying "no" is rude. In Newburg and Waldman's "Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies That Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy," (a brilliantly useful, potent little book in which many of these ideas are rooted) I learned that not everyone has the same communications values that I do. It's good to ask and discover the communication values of people with whom we frequently communicate in particular. Your communications values are those features which are important to you when you're communicating with others, and what you expect of others when they communicate with you.

For example, while I value honesty, freedom of expression, and the search for truth - and though I thought these obvious choices for everyone - I found out that my husband values honesty, brevity, and kindness. This knowledge alone transformed our communication. My speech could be too brutal in tone and prolix for him, whereas I found him insufficiently expressive and felt like he wasn't hearing me (because I was simply talking too much all at once). Knowing these things, I try to soften my tone and notice when I've been talking longer than I should, recognizing the signs of his verbal saturation point. Pausing more often gives him the space to think and express more often, during which time he can make clear that he hears and understands me.

Not everyone wants or needs to communicate in the way that you do. Figuring out differences in communication values will allow you to make sense of and bridge the gaps between communication styles between yourself and another, allowing you to sail right over chasms of misunderstanding. 

4) Let others speak.

Don't hog the conversation. If you find you're doing most of the talking, shut the fuck up. If you want to do all the talking and not care much about how you come across to others, then write a fucking blog. Conversation is for two, and that means shutting the fuck up often. The more vital and emotionally charged the conversation, the more often you should stop talking. As a rule, when you speak, try for no more than three brief to reasonably-sized sentences max, twenty to thirty seconds, absolute tops. 

Commercials are kept so brief because beyond even those few seconds, our attention begins to wander. If what you have to say is important, then you want to make it easier for people to listen, not easier to consider what's for dinner or the fact that they really should be getting work done instead of sitting here going over this bullshit with you. And you don't really want to get it all out at once, anyway: most of the time, people are just going to cling to the thing that invokes an emotional response and forget everything else. So it's in your best interest to deal with one brief, little thought at a time and to let others do the same. You're also more likely to achieve understanding sooner in this way because there's simply less to process and make sense of all at once. Fewer words mean fewer opportunities for misinterpretation.

If you want to communicate with others, then you need their input. You can't simply tell others what you think they ought to do and expect them to obey. You are not communicating unless all parties are both hearing and understanding what each of you has to say. Stop talking so much all at once. Offer up one thought or topic at a time, then give the other person some time to think, and then some more time to respond with their thoughts. And then

5) Listen.

Stop thinking about the next thing you want to say, the next point you want to make, the next reason they should do this or that, or whatever distraction besides. Now that you've shut your mouth the fuck up, shut your inner monologue the fuck up and really hear what the other person has to say.  Focus on their words, tone, and facial expressions. Then reflect for some more time on what they have to say. (Similarly, give others time to digest what you have to say before they respond). What do you interpret their words to mean? Do you really believe that's what they mean? You may find that you've had an emotional reaction to their words. Chill the fuck out and think.

Remember that the other person also has needs and values. You may have to clarify what these are with them in order to ensure that you're working to fulfill them as needed, also. You need that person's input, and that means you need that person, so this isn't all about you. 

If you miss what they say because you were too busy thinking or got distracted when they were mid-sentence, you can say "I'm sorry, I think I missed something. Could you please repeat that?" Observe closely their words, tone, and expression, and then put it all together, reflect on these, and try to understand. If the words in your head - your interpretation of the words they spoke - don't actually sound like the words they spoke, they may not mean what you think they mean. If they sound the same but it doesn't seem right to you, don't simply conclude that they're in the wrong. In most cases, don't presume to know what they mean but clarify your understanding. 

You'll want to ask things like "I think what I'm hearing is [this]. Does that sound like a correct interpretation of what you mean?"  or "I don't think I understand what you meant when you said [this]. Can you explain a little more?" It will do you no good to continue the conversation from the point of misunderstanding, so be sure that you're clear before you proceed. Don't just hear the person, but also take the time to ensure that you understand what they mean. 

6) Say only what you mean. 

Little is more tiresome than sarcasm. People think it's clever, but the tactic is easy and old: you just say the opposite of what you mean, and if you're good at it then you intone your speech in such a way so as to imply that one is an idiot if they concur with your spoken words. Understand that even an idiot can do that. Besides being mean and ugly, sarcasm is exceedingly overused. Trevor Philips, that villainous rascal of Rockstar's GTA V, hits the nail on the head when he proclaims "Sarcasm is the blight of the age!" More instructive with his "Four Agreements," Don Miguel Ruiz says "Be impeccable with your word." Sarcasm is the opposite of speaking your truth; it's essentially lying to make someone else look like an ass. Comedians may make you laugh with it, but if you have ever made the mistake of using it while arguing with a loved one, then you've seen how sarcasm is taken for an affront and immediately erodes trust and raises hackles even more. Break this vulgar and nasty habit now. You can do better.

Neither should you bring up unimportant details or irrelevant matters. Stay focused on the topic at hand. If you don't recall what that is, return the conversation to the needs and values that each of you is trying to achieve, and ensure that your discussion stays related to their achievement.

These six tips won't solve all of your communication problems and probably won't stop you from being lazy in your speech and writing, either. But as ever, a little practice will naturally change your habits. Try using the tips above in lighter, less emotionally charged conversations, where it will be much easier to stay calm and focused on implementing any new techniques. You'll also more deftly handle the awkwardness which may arise as integration of new habits feels a bit stilted at first. I believe that like me, you will eventually find yourself deescalating, resolving, or even avoiding conflict - as well as so much needless frustration, sorrow, and anger - with these tips kept in mind. I hope that with them you achieve a deeper understanding of your fellows, increased harmony in your relations, and greater intimacy with those you love.

Be well!

REGARDING ERROR

Sooner or later, we err. We make a mistake, we misjudge, we behave in some way that we wish we hadn't. I guess I always took for granted that this would happen sooner or later, and always accepted it. Even in childhood, I anticipated that error would be part of the learning process and that I shouldn't fear it or berate myself when it occurred, but make every effort to learn from that mistake. Often I strove for perfection in my works, so I learned quickly that only practice would improve my efforts. Practice is the time we provide to allow for many errors which we then examine. We synthesize that data with our intent and then implement new actions towards improvement.

Only recently have I come to realize that a lot of people are actually embarrassed and ashamed when they unintentionally err. They can't handle being wrong on an emotional level. Instead of immediately engaging their brains towards damage control and effective remediation, they stay stuck in the past action in the forms of shame and self-pity, or else completely deny wrongdoing. Either state is entirely unproductive presently and moving forward.

Don't let that fact stop you from sincerely apologizing, however. I know that sometimes I have come across as callous, too quickly moving from error-recognition to solution implementation. Some people - especially if we've hurt them - either want to see us suffer a little in sympathy too or at least be absolutely clear that we see the entirety of the damage we've caused, and we owe them at least a bit of that, surely. We may need to clarify whether or not we have utterly broken their trust in us, and whether they believe the damage is reparable at all. Whether or not this is deserved, or apparently out of proportion with the error, is irrelevant. The situation is as it is, and will not be as we think it should be just because that would make more sense for ourselves. Neither dismiss nor diminish the emotions of others, however unreasonable they may seem. Most often, the emotions of others give not one single fuck about our reasons. If we really meant well, then our continued well-meaning will endeavor to provide the injured party with what they need, not supply ourselves with what we need.

But if the injured are the sort who stay stuck in the past, who would send us on guilt trips by repeatedly reminding us of the damage or attempting otherwise to produce our shame, they may need more time (and if they want it, space) to heal. They may not be the sort of person who ever intends to heal but would wield guilt as a weapon and a means of manipulating us. We may be best served by seeking professional help in regards to dealing more specifically with such folk. Honestly, I have either never dealt with such people, or their attempts have entirely missed the mark, so I am surely not the best help for you. But experts in human behavior - psychologists and counselors - are ready to assist us if we have little success on our own in dealing with any sort of person, and I absolutely recommend taking advantage of their knowledge. I would be inclined to abandon anyone intent on prolonging anyone's suffering, but I can see that there are circumstances - as with my family and others towards whom I feel duty-bound - where I wouldn't be so inclined. Besides getting help from my counselor, I would do my best to stay calm and compassionate with that person I had injured, but maintain enough self-love and clarity to see that any attempt to injure me will only hurt us both further, and that a dramatic shift is required if health and harmony are to be restored to the relationship. 

Regret should make us yearn to improve, and remorse remembered should keep us from the foolish reenactment of similar behaviors. But it is strange, how we'll wallow far too long in that muck of shame, self-pity, and denial. Most of us succumb sooner or later to those useless responses. We can find them sometimes among the bullshit bickering we may engage in with our nearest and dearest, those times when we try to explain ourselves to them after we've offended them in some way we didn't intend or don't understand. 

We get really worked up because we care so much for their approval, and are deeply sensitive to a lack of it. We don't want to look "bad" or intentionally hurtful to our loved ones, or to those whose opinion of us may affect our chances at advancement. But we have to remember that the people worth having around are only and exactly those people with whom we can (accidentally) fuck up, learn, grow and improve together. Otherwise, a thing that can't be maintained or repaired after a little damage or wear and tear is going to fall apart sooner or later, anyhow. This means that in any circumstance where you have injured another, both must believe that the damage can be repaired, and both must be willing to do what it takes to repair it. Else, what we have is shambles. People always fear that, too, but if we've fucked up that massively, surely we needed the lessons so clearly exposed amidst the ruin.

We can find new people and new opportunities as needed. There is always space in which to grow and learn but we have to act in new ways, and we won't act if we don't trust ourselves to do well. We'll never develop trust in ourselves if we refuse to learn and forgive ourselves, and instead dwell upon our past actions. But once we've analyzed our mistakes and learned to do better instead, we can avoid that mistake in the future. When we learn self-forgiveness, then we know we can handle those mistakes we can't avoid. So forget about reliving or dulling the ache of past errors, and redirect the energy of brooding towards actually implementing a better way of doing. We have to be willing to do our best, but okay with sometimes fucking up some more on the way to discovering the least harmful, most harmonious ways of living.

Understand, also, that it is not enough to know not to do a thing again. It is not enough even to know what it means to do better. We must practice doing better. It is helpful to visualize ourselves performing the new behaviors and also to practice in other pretend or simulated circumstances in which error is inconsequential. This better prepares us for performance when the emotionally intense, behavior-triggering circumstance arises. I liken this practice to the way we skydivers and pilots routinely practice our emergency procedures. It's essentially the same thing. (If we approached interaction with others and decision making with the same care that the FAA approaches Aeronautical Decision Making (see AC-60-22), we would be at least as successful as most well-trained pilots are at getting themselves safely to point B. Most often, they do). When shit hits the fan and emotions run high, we're likely to do some stupid and crazy shit if we are not well prepared with the repetitive practice of well-considered and appropriate action. As with emergency procedures, we must practice until the new behavior is completely habitual, and review our procedures often.

Of course this takes applied effort, aka "work." But it's good, meaningful, life-saving work that will make us happier people who less often fuck up, particularly in the same asinine ways. The result of our efforts will not only be to fuck up less and consequently trust ourselves a bit more but also we find that in this way we can change ourselves at any time in whatever ways we need to in order to adapt, thrive and be well in any new circumstance. Mistakes don't make us bad people, but learning from mistakes makes us and those around us happier people. Remember and implement the lessons, and let them make you a happier, kinder, healthier human being.