CONFESSIONS OF A NEW MEDITATOR

When we're doing the work of learning, it's better to listen more and to speak less. This is how I justify my long absence here (to myself, at any rate). In late February or early March of this year, I began studying the Self Realization Fellowship's mediation lessons, along with some other works of my guru Paramahansa Yogananda, and pretty quickly I came to believe both that I wasn't nearly as decent a person as I hope to be and that I really need to do better. Who am I to tell you anything, anyways? I guess I've always supposed and at times suggested along these lines, only suddenly I felt it more keenly. I guess feeling like a terrible human being is fairly well to be expected when one spends much time reflecting on the work of proper avatars.

Since late winter, then, I have meditated twice a day, morning and evening, without fail. All but a few sessions have been at least thirty minutes, and some sessions have exceeded an hour.

For a time I thought I experienced no effects whatsoever. I mean, unless I included the fact that I felt more confused about how to live and be, possibly a consequence of searching externally in trying to figure out how to align myself with dharma, rather than within. I don't know, as I'm still in process. (I recall something along the lines of “The work is never done, but neither are we free to stop doing it.”)

I might be a little more peaceful, which is to say less quick to emotional reactions. I'm capable of being disappointed without becoming angry or despondent. Of course, there may be other factors involved. Besides unfollowing, unfriending, and straight-out avoiding haters (in an effort at “non-cooperation with evil”), I've also just accepted the fact that at any moment some new injustice can come to my attention, and that none of my anger or distress ever resolved anything. Only action does that, and my actions are better performed from the point of calm, anyhow.

Maybe it's the meditation initiating the calm, or maybe its the removal of triggers, or maybe it's the gamma-aminobutyric acid: I missed a couple of weeks worth of that supplement, you see, and experienced just a few bouts of the unreasonable and self-destructive rage I'm doing everything I can to banish permanently from my life. Exercise, meditation, supplementation, and the endeavor to create new, functional, productive and sustainable patterns in my life have all been towards the goal of Self-Realization, and figuring out exactly what that means for me. (So far, I'm only clear on that it means totally eliminating patterns of self-harm, and offering my power in the service of love. Vague, but a start).

The self is both a thing created and which we are creating. In the muck of matter, change is slow. Will, belief, and attunement are the forces by which we manifest anything; and the greater these, the greater the results. I meditate in order to attune my thinking with my best Self: my Soul, Spirit within. I get a sense of conflict – cognitive dissonance, maybe – in an effort to develop non-attachment and simultaneously shine. I write it, and suddenly it seems much easier than I make of it: just do my best, and nevermind the results, (save in their capacity to redefine "do my best.") Burn off the dross, what remains is the thing.

Then, there's the being the thing. I try to avoid mental attachment to the impermanent self, and yet I have to mind me enough to see where the mud of ego blocks the expression of soul. Even thinking about it is too much, too heavy, sometimes. The thoughts become the mud itself; and of course they are, where the only way to know soul is by intuition. It isn't supposed to make sense. It is, and is all.

So you see now that all this study and meditation has me in something of a mist. But through it I can see the white ball of sun, and by it I direct me. The light I see and the warmth I sense, too. And however tenuous, I let that be enough.

Recently I recognized that suddenly, after a few years of intense social anxiety, I'm showing up at the DZ again, and even started going to Sunday services at temple to meditate with an entirely new crowd of people. I like to make and share healthy, nutritious food with everyone again, to hang around and talk some, and I don't so urgently or even often at all feel the need to escape. If I start to feel overwhelmed it doesn't spiral or expand so rapidly, but I manage more regularly to withdraw myself into an inner peace that feels much easier to access now, and which I most certainly need. I'm more quiet and observant, I believe; and when I have caught myself talking much, or even wanting to talk more than listen, I feel like an ass and shut the fuck up. I reflect a little more deeply before I speak, though in truth I think still not nearly enough.

“Not nearly enough” is the gist of what meditation has made me realize that I am. It sounds terrible, but truly this fact has driven in me a deeper commitment to and stronger efforts at self-improvement. And I may be a little disappointed that I'm more awful than I thought I was, but I'm not despondent about that, either. It just means it's time to act. While this newest journey is still incipient and I don't even know where it's taking me, I get that feeling that I don't need to know, and that more and more my Self will just attune and act as needed to fully fill whatever and wherever it is I've been lacking.

Continued practice and patience for a lot of peace in the making of me? Yeah, I can dig it.

Onward, my friends, with love and light. Peace be to you, too. 

THE POINT

She asked, "Why do you think people need your help, Grey?"

"It's not that they need my help," I told her, "Everybody needs help, sometimes."

"You know you do it for you, right?"

"Duh, Woman! Of course, I do it for me. Of course, my motivation is selfish. I am aware of that. I do it because it makes me feel good!"

And with that she was satisfied. We'd already been over all this before, so I found it intriguing that she felt the need to again point out the self-interest motivating even altruism. It occurred to me later that it may have not have been an effort to diminish my endeavors in kindness so much as it was granting herself permission not to aspire to any sort of goodwill or charity, all things really being the same in the end, as for her they are. Nothing ever makes any significant difference at all. All is personal and ephemeral. At allowing - and at concluding that there is no good reason to do much of anything at all - she is one of the cleverest people I know. I appreciate her genius in these and many other regards. She is intelligent, fun, and keeps me on my toes.

Even when I did similarly suppose that everything was personal and ephemeral, however, a little experimentation revealed that kindness towards and support of my fellows really feels to me to be the most gratifying thing. 

With sensual pleasures, there's always the push for bigger, better, and more. After a while, and with any pleasure, a mere shift in perspective (or health, or circumstance) suddenly transforms the upward spiral into a downward spiral, and so long as the pursuit maintains momentum there remains a deadly hunger, a voraciousness that compels one to neglect, abandon, or obliterate anything in the path of its satisfaction, the ruinous energy of rapacity. For me, all that hungering only ever amounted to a keen intuition of self-destruction - or at least the annihilation of anything I truly valued in me. Stepping back to witness the trajectory of fervent desires for anything tangible, the path always seems to terminate - even in realization - in fruitlessness, dissatisfaction, and both spiritual and physical suicide, if only by the mere slow means of neglect of the greater self, or other and better possibilities.

It occurs to me now that the pursuit of gratification via kindness towards others is probably not so very different. Anything that makes here, now and all that is insufficient necessarily diminishes the quality of here, now, and all that is. To be gratified has to be the first experience, not the final. 

Honestly, I think I understand what it is to be generally and genuinely satisfied, and, man, sometimes I see the ache out there and want so much to share my joy. Here is so much love, I would say; but you know - I know - I can't make people feel it if they can't access it within in the first place. Love never came from outside of us, we only ever felt it within. But sometimes it was a smile or a helping hand that showed us it was there. A little triggering of our empathy circuitry, mirror neurons firing and - BAM! - our hearts shine. Fuck that wiring with patterns of pain, fear, and doubt, and it's a lot harder to trigger, develop and maintain love. Without love, though, sure as fuck healing ain't gonna happen, either. 

I told another about a recent experience: as I meditated I was suddenly overwhelmed with deep gratitude for our capacity to love. How extremely fortunate we are, how utterly blessed we must be to have ever known of it, ever felt it, ever craved it, ever for even a moment had a fluttering inkling of love. All complaint seemed absurd, all dissatisfaction senseless, when always here within us we have instant access to this greatest of all gifts any time we would tap into it and allow it. And how close we are to seeing that we can simply feel and be this love!

I explained it like this, and dude smirked and said, "Yeah, but you can't expect everyone to understand that."

Fuck. He's missing the whole fucking point, I thought, a bit crestfallen but unsurprised. Again, I found myself confronted by the endeavor to thwart or dismiss such a fine and simple thing. It's a funny propensity in humans - to tear down where we can't fathom easy success in building up. I get it, of course. I get it. But still, it seems to me to easy to understand that the only way to get anything done is to start. And the work can only ever be done right here, right now, by us. If we stop - hell, if we don't even start - we fail. 

I suppose some people would rather not try lest they fail. Damn. That's weak and lame as fuck. Whether or not we would make a difference, whether or not we would fail is entirely beside the point. The point is to put into the world what we want to see in the world. We can only ever do that right here and right now. Just the right place, the right time, the right circumstance for success - we don't really know these things. But for every moment that we ain't shining our shine as best we can, man, we are really fucking blowing it.

Get loving now, friends, and everywhere, all the time. Don't stop. You are loved. You are love. 

SIX TIPS FOR IMPROVED COMMUNICATION

In my last post on error, I suggested that if we approached our interactions with the same care that the FAA approaches aeronautical decision making (ADM), then we'd fare better in our communications with others. Because we learn to communicate so early in life and because we do it with such regularity, and because so often a quick response is either expected or demanded of us, it can be difficult to change our communication habits. Some people never think to or wouldn't dare to change this apparently fundamental process. They chalk up everything from intonation and diction to rudeness and even belligerence as a consequence of natural character, as though character weren't also naturally modifiable. "That's just who I am," is a common refrain of the dedicated asshole, who continually fails to realize that it is exactly his persistence in being an asshole which drives away all intelligent, kind, and self-respecting persons and consequently leaves him - as he often loves to point out - surrounded by assholes. There's a good chance that if we're seeing an asshole, it's because we're being an asshole. Here today I offer a few tips which have helped me to clear the shit from my own eyes and communicate more effectively. 

1) Chill the fuck out. 

However we may want to defend ourselves, prove our righteousness or innocence, or another's wrongness, whatever we want to say, we are not going to get it clearly across from an emotionally agitated state. Intense emotions limit our perspectives and ability to appropriately and accurately frame our meaning and intent. Emotions are reactive but don't address the source of the emotion; they aren't an answer, but a signpost to direct your attention towards your real needs, values, and desires. Whether we're disappointed, sad, angry, or even jubilant, these emotions arrive because behind them there is something that we deeply care about being highlighted one way or the other. 

Instead of reacting emotionally, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself what it is that you value which, in combination with the current circumstance, has triggered your emotions, and focus on that value. In the case of any emotion, you can say to yourself "I feel [this way] because I value/need/love/desire [this thing], and I feel like that value/need/love/desire isn't/is being met." Now that you're focused on what you care about, it's a lot easier to keep your conversation focused on what matters to you and move you back towards fulfillment.

Understand that others have values, needs, love, and desires also, and their emotional upset may be prompted by a similar incongruity between these and the current state as they perceive it. There's a good chance that both of you want to return to a place of mutual understanding and appreciation, so be confident that you can both arrive there with a little work, and chill the fuck out.

If you are too upset or emotional to do anything but react emotionally, recognize that and take a time-out. Seriously. You may need to take a five- or fifteen-minute walk, or even sleep on it. Sometimes it's tricky, and not always convenient, but bowing out for a few is way better than saying something awful that you forever regret, or which simply makes matters worse. Be prepared with a phrase like, "I want to resolve this matter with you. But right now I'm too emotional, and I don't think I can communicate well enough to do that. I'm going to take [a few minutes, a day] to settle down and reflect on this because I care about this, I care about us, and I care about you." Then, take that time. Don't let others bait you or pressure you into emotional reactions because they're still emotional. If you must, breathe deeply and insist along the lines of "I just need a little time to chill the fuck out, please."

If you're relaxed, you'll also speak more slowly, and be easier to understand and less likely to overwhelm others. So chill the fuck out, and don't let your inclination to react emotionally upend your priority to communicate effectively.

2) Be with the person you are speaking with.

The less present we are, the more likely we are to miscommunicate. Do not attempt to converse with others while distracted by devices, books, televisions, or any other stimulation. Do not speak from the next room or shout across the house at each other. Ill-considered speech, unobserved facial expressions, and tones of voice warped by the need to be loud can all lead to misunderstanding. If you value what you have to say, say it face to face.

3) Respect the communication needs and values of others.

I know I just said "say it face to face," but it's also my understanding that some people on the spectrum can't be expected to do that. In some cultures, eye contact with superiors is an insult, or frankly saying "no" is rude. In Newburg and Waldman's "Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies That Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy," (a brilliantly useful, potent little book in which many of these ideas are rooted) I learned that not everyone has the same communications values that I do. It's good to ask and discover the communication values of people with whom we frequently communicate in particular. Your communications values are those features which are important to you when you're communicating with others, and what you expect of others when they communicate with you.

For example, while I value honesty, freedom of expression, and the search for truth - and though I thought these obvious choices for everyone - I found out that my husband values honesty, brevity, and kindness. This knowledge alone transformed our communication. My speech could be too brutal in tone and prolix for him, whereas I found him insufficiently expressive and felt like he wasn't hearing me (because I was simply talking too much all at once). Knowing these things, I try to soften my tone and notice when I've been talking longer than I should, recognizing the signs of his verbal saturation point. Pausing more often gives him the space to think and express more often, during which time he can make clear that he hears and understands me.

Not everyone wants or needs to communicate in the way that you do. Figuring out differences in communication values will allow you to make sense of and bridge the gaps between communication styles between yourself and another, allowing you to sail right over chasms of misunderstanding. 

4) Let others speak.

Don't hog the conversation. If you find you're doing most of the talking, shut the fuck up. If you want to do all the talking and not care much about how you come across to others, then write a fucking blog. Conversation is for two, and that means shutting the fuck up often. The more vital and emotionally charged the conversation, the more often you should stop talking. As a rule, when you speak, try for no more than three brief to reasonably-sized sentences max, twenty to thirty seconds, absolute tops. 

Commercials are kept so brief because beyond even those few seconds, our attention begins to wander. If what you have to say is important, then you want to make it easier for people to listen, not easier to consider what's for dinner or the fact that they really should be getting work done instead of sitting here going over this bullshit with you. And you don't really want to get it all out at once, anyway: most of the time, people are just going to cling to the thing that invokes an emotional response and forget everything else. So it's in your best interest to deal with one brief, little thought at a time and to let others do the same. You're also more likely to achieve understanding sooner in this way because there's simply less to process and make sense of all at once. Fewer words mean fewer opportunities for misinterpretation.

If you want to communicate with others, then you need their input. You can't simply tell others what you think they ought to do and expect them to obey. You are not communicating unless all parties are both hearing and understanding what each of you has to say. Stop talking so much all at once. Offer up one thought or topic at a time, then give the other person some time to think, and then some more time to respond with their thoughts. And then

5) Listen.

Stop thinking about the next thing you want to say, the next point you want to make, the next reason they should do this or that, or whatever distraction besides. Now that you've shut your mouth the fuck up, shut your inner monologue the fuck up and really hear what the other person has to say.  Focus on their words, tone, and facial expressions. Then reflect for some more time on what they have to say. (Similarly, give others time to digest what you have to say before they respond). What do you interpret their words to mean? Do you really believe that's what they mean? You may find that you've had an emotional reaction to their words. Chill the fuck out and think.

Remember that the other person also has needs and values. You may have to clarify what these are with them in order to ensure that you're working to fulfill them as needed, also. You need that person's input, and that means you need that person, so this isn't all about you. 

If you miss what they say because you were too busy thinking or got distracted when they were mid-sentence, you can say "I'm sorry, I think I missed something. Could you please repeat that?" Observe closely their words, tone, and expression, and then put it all together, reflect on these, and try to understand. If the words in your head - your interpretation of the words they spoke - don't actually sound like the words they spoke, they may not mean what you think they mean. If they sound the same but it doesn't seem right to you, don't simply conclude that they're in the wrong. In most cases, don't presume to know what they mean but clarify your understanding. 

You'll want to ask things like "I think what I'm hearing is [this]. Does that sound like a correct interpretation of what you mean?"  or "I don't think I understand what you meant when you said [this]. Can you explain a little more?" It will do you no good to continue the conversation from the point of misunderstanding, so be sure that you're clear before you proceed. Don't just hear the person, but also take the time to ensure that you understand what they mean. 

6) Say only what you mean. 

Little is more tiresome than sarcasm. People think it's clever, but the tactic is easy and old: you just say the opposite of what you mean, and if you're good at it then you intone your speech in such a way so as to imply that one is an idiot if they concur with your spoken words. Understand that even an idiot can do that. Besides being mean and ugly, sarcasm is exceedingly overused. Trevor Philips, that villainous rascal of Rockstar's GTA V, hits the nail on the head when he proclaims "Sarcasm is the blight of the age!" More instructive with his "Four Agreements," Don Miguel Ruiz says "Be impeccable with your word." Sarcasm is the opposite of speaking your truth; it's essentially lying to make someone else look like an ass. Comedians may make you laugh with it, but if you have ever made the mistake of using it while arguing with a loved one, then you've seen how sarcasm is taken for an affront and immediately erodes trust and raises hackles even more. Break this vulgar and nasty habit now. You can do better.

Neither should you bring up unimportant details or irrelevant matters. Stay focused on the topic at hand. If you don't recall what that is, return the conversation to the needs and values that each of you is trying to achieve, and ensure that your discussion stays related to their achievement.

These six tips won't solve all of your communication problems and probably won't stop you from being lazy in your speech and writing, either. But as ever, a little practice will naturally change your habits. Try using the tips above in lighter, less emotionally charged conversations, where it will be much easier to stay calm and focused on implementing any new techniques. You'll also more deftly handle the awkwardness which may arise as integration of new habits feels a bit stilted at first. I believe that like me, you will eventually find yourself deescalating, resolving, or even avoiding conflict - as well as so much needless frustration, sorrow, and anger - with these tips kept in mind. I hope that with them you achieve a deeper understanding of your fellows, increased harmony in your relations, and greater intimacy with those you love.

Be well!

REGARDING ERROR

Sooner or later, we err. We make a mistake, we misjudge, we behave in some way that we wish we hadn't. I guess I always took for granted that this would happen sooner or later, and always accepted it. Even in childhood, I anticipated that error would be part of the learning process and that I shouldn't fear it or berate myself when it occurred, but make every effort to learn from that mistake. Often I strove for perfection in my works, so I learned quickly that only practice would improve my efforts. Practice is the time we provide to allow for many errors which we then examine. We synthesize that data with our intent and then implement new actions towards improvement.

Only recently have I come to realize that a lot of people are actually embarrassed and ashamed when they unintentionally err. They can't handle being wrong on an emotional level. Instead of immediately engaging their brains towards damage control and effective remediation, they stay stuck in the past action in the forms of shame and self-pity, or else completely deny wrongdoing. Either state is entirely unproductive presently and moving forward.

Don't let that fact stop you from sincerely apologizing, however. I know that sometimes I have come across as callous, too quickly moving from error-recognition to solution implementation. Some people - especially if we've hurt them - either want to see us suffer a little in sympathy too or at least be absolutely clear that we see the entirety of the damage we've caused, and we owe them at least a bit of that, surely. We may need to clarify whether or not we have utterly broken their trust in us, and whether they believe the damage is reparable at all. Whether or not this is deserved, or apparently out of proportion with the error, is irrelevant. The situation is as it is, and will not be as we think it should be just because that would make more sense for ourselves. Neither dismiss nor diminish the emotions of others, however unreasonable they may seem. Most often, the emotions of others give not one single fuck about our reasons. If we really meant well, then our continued well-meaning will endeavor to provide the injured party with what they need, not supply ourselves with what we need.

But if the injured are the sort who stay stuck in the past, who would send us on guilt trips by repeatedly reminding us of the damage or attempting otherwise to produce our shame, they may need more time (and if they want it, space) to heal. They may not be the sort of person who ever intends to heal but would wield guilt as a weapon and a means of manipulating us. We may be best served by seeking professional help in regards to dealing more specifically with such folk. Honestly, I have either never dealt with such people, or their attempts have entirely missed the mark, so I am surely not the best help for you. But experts in human behavior - psychologists and counselors - are ready to assist us if we have little success on our own in dealing with any sort of person, and I absolutely recommend taking advantage of their knowledge. I would be inclined to abandon anyone intent on prolonging anyone's suffering, but I can see that there are circumstances - as with my family and others towards whom I feel duty-bound - where I wouldn't be so inclined. Besides getting help from my counselor, I would do my best to stay calm and compassionate with that person I had injured, but maintain enough self-love and clarity to see that any attempt to injure me will only hurt us both further, and that a dramatic shift is required if health and harmony are to be restored to the relationship. 

Regret should make us yearn to improve, and remorse remembered should keep us from the foolish reenactment of similar behaviors. But it is strange, how we'll wallow far too long in that muck of shame, self-pity, and denial. Most of us succumb sooner or later to those useless responses. We can find them sometimes among the bullshit bickering we may engage in with our nearest and dearest, those times when we try to explain ourselves to them after we've offended them in some way we didn't intend or don't understand. 

We get really worked up because we care so much for their approval, and are deeply sensitive to a lack of it. We don't want to look "bad" or intentionally hurtful to our loved ones, or to those whose opinion of us may affect our chances at advancement. But we have to remember that the people worth having around are only and exactly those people with whom we can (accidentally) fuck up, learn, grow and improve together. Otherwise, a thing that can't be maintained or repaired after a little damage or wear and tear is going to fall apart sooner or later, anyhow. This means that in any circumstance where you have injured another, both must believe that the damage can be repaired, and both must be willing to do what it takes to repair it. Else, what we have is shambles. People always fear that, too, but if we've fucked up that massively, surely we needed the lessons so clearly exposed amidst the ruin.

We can find new people and new opportunities as needed. There is always space in which to grow and learn but we have to act in new ways, and we won't act if we don't trust ourselves to do well. We'll never develop trust in ourselves if we refuse to learn and forgive ourselves, and instead dwell upon our past actions. But once we've analyzed our mistakes and learned to do better instead, we can avoid that mistake in the future. When we learn self-forgiveness, then we know we can handle those mistakes we can't avoid. So forget about reliving or dulling the ache of past errors, and redirect the energy of brooding towards actually implementing a better way of doing. We have to be willing to do our best, but okay with sometimes fucking up some more on the way to discovering the least harmful, most harmonious ways of living.

Understand, also, that it is not enough to know not to do a thing again. It is not enough even to know what it means to do better. We must practice doing better. It is helpful to visualize ourselves performing the new behaviors and also to practice in other pretend or simulated circumstances in which error is inconsequential. This better prepares us for performance when the emotionally intense, behavior-triggering circumstance arises. I liken this practice to the way we skydivers and pilots routinely practice our emergency procedures. It's essentially the same thing. (If we approached interaction with others and decision making with the same care that the FAA approaches Aeronautical Decision Making (see AC-60-22), we would be at least as successful as most well-trained pilots are at getting themselves safely to point B. Most often, they do). When shit hits the fan and emotions run high, we're likely to do some stupid and crazy shit if we are not well prepared with the repetitive practice of well-considered and appropriate action. As with emergency procedures, we must practice until the new behavior is completely habitual, and review our procedures often.

Of course this takes applied effort, aka "work." But it's good, meaningful, life-saving work that will make us happier people who less often fuck up, particularly in the same asinine ways. The result of our efforts will not only be to fuck up less and consequently trust ourselves a bit more but also we find that in this way we can change ourselves at any time in whatever ways we need to in order to adapt, thrive and be well in any new circumstance. Mistakes don't make us bad people, but learning from mistakes makes us and those around us happier people. Remember and implement the lessons, and let them make you a happier, kinder, healthier human being. 

ENERGY: JUDGE IT LESS, USE IT MORE.

In my usual session this week with Dr. Diane Evans, she told me of a story she'd heard about inmates in Florida who saved a baby. She thought it wonderful that these outcasts had used their unique criminal skills - in this case, breaking and entering - to do well.

"Well, duh!" I responded.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"Every skill, every energy, has a useful, creative, supportive and cooperative application. The same skill or energy can be used to destroy or harm, as well. But the energy is the same, and there's a useful place for everything, I never doubt it.

"It's like with murderers. We detest them as a general rule, and imprison them; but at the same time, we train soldiers to behave exactly that way: to be murderers, to go out and kill efficiently, and without compunction. And then, when they do well in battle - when they go and kill lots of people we've decided that we don't like - we laud them, pin medals on them, call them heroes and say 'what a good boy you are!' It's not about the energy itself, it's about how it gets used."

"Did you put that in your blog?"

"No."

"You should."

So here it is. There is a place for the useful application of all energy towards creating balance and harmony in the universe.

I should clarify at once that I surely believe we can do better than to murder one another. Pointless murder - any sort that doesn't feed bodies and support homeostasis - is an inefficient use of energy. Even so, clearly many cultures and nations believe otherwise, as their armies and other lethally weaponized forces indicate. The powers that be within these or those borders pronounce that one sort of murder is bad but another sort is good. Sometimes even with those definitions, powers simply ignore, forget, or dismiss certain murders; or else publicize, condemn and protest the atrocity of other murders. It depends only on which stance better suits the agenda du jour. But as powers vary, so too does enforcement of laws against murders along with the general judgment of which murders are acceptable for their society and which are unacceptable. This is to say that there is nothing solid in the judgments of murders. Calling it "right" or "wrong" simply allows us to extol some and vilify others, and then feel better about the actions we may take towards those murderers, whether it is to reward or punish them - and sometimes we'll even murder murderers to punish them.

The only sure thing is the murder itself: the ending of some lives at the hands of others. The thing to see is that there's an energy behind that action, and when we can clarify and channel that energy into a productive outlet, we can make it a creative rather than a destructive force. On the levels of community and nation, it is often said that police and military forces may use the energy of murder for the collective "good." But that murder is pointless, too. In the case of murder, it would be far better to transform the energy at its source and in doing so alter its expression altogether. We can reap the benefits of any energy, but we must both shape and direct it wisely. Finding the most useful place in which to apply specific energy or else figuring out how to transform it may take a great deal of creative thinking, but in that humans excel.

I also want to note here that obviously, hurt comes from hurt. By this, I mean that the energy to hurt comes from an energy which has been hurt. Many who do harm need not punishment, but healing. Only healing can erase and prevent one's perceived need or desire to hurt others. Pronouncing the hurtful or their desire to hurt "wicked, irremediable, and unredeemable" only makes them exactly so. It does nothing to resolve the personal misery that prompts the "wicked" person to inflict his misery upon others. It's as simple as garbage in, garbage out.

At some point in the life of one who does harm, some need wasn't met. Remember that discussion of stress and harmony? Yeah, well, the villain and the hater are some highly stressed people. Their natural and chosen functions were dismissed, denied, thwarted, oppressed, and even mocked over and over. Their needs - for anything from sustenance and security to love, appreciation, and guidance - were insufficiently met, and it broke them. Their health and balance faltered, including their capacity to choose wisely and behave harmoniously. In their efforts to either get their needs met or simply feel a little bit better (having abandoned hope of achieving needs altogether) they do everything from belittling and subjugating to murdering others. They disregard the needs and rights of others just as their own needs and rights have been disregarded. They lie, thieve and deceive in an effort to fill some void or other. They simply do not know a better way. Also, it is nearly impossible to learn a better way - or to learn anything new at all - when our fundamental needs are not being met! Research has shown this repeatedly, and it's exactly why we have school breakfast programs.

To meet our needs is instinctually our first priority. Without help and guidance from others with more experience, we're likely to err a lot on the way to discovering which ways best fulfill our needs, which ways yield the highest returns for the lowest cost (of energy and consequences alike). That is the balance and energy efficiency we aim to achieve, and it takes some real work to determine what best suits our individual natures. Though we may not know the best way to acquire what we need, that doesn't stop us from trying to get it in the best way we know how. Recognize that any action - any energy application - unguided by wisdom results in complete fucking chaos: imbalance, pollution, waste, disease, harm, and suffering sooner or later arrive.

All the demeaning, critical, defaming and judgmental labels we give to those who err are undeserved. In an interconnected world, we are no less culpable for the actions of others than the actors themselves are. It is in our own best interest to care for each other's needs, but we have failed to nourish and guide some brothers and sisters of ours. And just as we would not want our friends to give up on us, we can't give up on them, either. Locking up and abandoning people, continuing to leave their needs unaddressed, makes them more broken and sickly still.

It's never too late, and rarely difficult, to find the good in people and in their natural and even chosen proclivities. With that perspective of the potential energy in anyone, we can find appropriate, harmonious, beneficent applications for their energies. That energy can even be redirected towards the discovery of new and better ways of using one's energy. We have to stop judging, though, and start thinking. We have to stop declaring "How bad that is!" and start asking "What good can we make of this? How can we get something better out of this energy?"

In permaculture, there is this concept that the solution is inherent in the problem. It may even be that the problem is a solution of its own. Like shit, which we have to get away from ourselves and immediate environs lest it becomes problematic, harmful. But for plants (and the tiny organisms that feed them), shit is the solution to the problem of what to eat. To be able to make solutions out of problems, we have to expand our perception to include more than our limited human scope typically permits. We have to mind the interconnected web of the world and also the needs of other people, animals, plants, ecosystems, political and social systems, microorganisms, insects, and everything we can fathom. There is always something out there that needs or can make good use of any talent or material, any energy born of this world. We need only to discover it. Will finds a way. Even vast, destructive energies like oil spills may be finding remediation with the transformative help of mushrooms, (Paul Stamets is the fucking man, btw), and carbon dioxide is being absorbed for use in carbon-neutral fuel.

If we can figure out how to do amazing shit like that, it's absurd, dismissive, short-sighted and frankly foolish to believe for a second that we can't also figure out how to transform other energies, especially to the mere extent of changing human behaviors. We already have the skills to do so. marketers and advertisers use those skills in order to get us to buy all kinds of unnecessary products on the daily. They easily modify our behaviors - getting us to buy this thing instead of that, to take a chance, to try something new - with simply a word here, some color there, by showing images of folks in sad solitude without products followed by images of happy people among friends and family and the product, and other such images, effective even when we understand how we're being lured. (Read advertising and marketing expert Martin Lindstrom's "Brandwashed" and "Buyology" for more discussion on these and other such tactics). It's fucking brilliance, but a talent applied here for ends that serve corporate rather than collective interests. Of course, this same energy applied to motivate behaviors like kindness and support would go a long way to improving the well-being of any society. More well-motivated public health campaigns and service announcements could serve the planet all the more with the talents of those masterful mind-manipulators.

I have been speaking here in broad terms, but how is the understanding that all energies can be put to good use of any value to us as individuals?

Let's consider any action or habit that we have which doesn't serve or even actively destroys our health and well being, or which hurts others. See that we expend energy to perform the action because it allows us to get some need met. We're exchanging the energy of the action for the energy we prefer in return. We may do things to relax, to feel connected with others, to feel powerful, to feel loved, and so on. Whatever the case, we've got to figure out the need that motivates the performance of the action. That being known, we can then consider, experiment with, and implement other ways which allow us to get that need met. We can seek help from others or observe how others get that need met. Plenty of people, their books and blogs and podcasts will give us a plethora of ideas we can use alongside those we can come up with on our own. There may be some trial and error along the way to discovery, but it is always worth it to keep trying for joy, health and well being for all parties involved. In this way, we redirect our own energies, change our habits and transform ourselves.

Among those of us with the luxury of abundantly available energy, it may be that our habit is to withhold certain energies out of fear of losing them or not having enough, or maybe we just don't know where to apply energy so we let it lay around and pile up. That hoarding and stagnation is essentially pollution - too much of the same kind of energy, not moving and proliferating in one area, like a disease - and this damages the bodies of self, community, society and the world. Potential energy decays in greed and laziness, and unmoved each amounts to nothing. The only way to expel a surfeit of energy is to use it. We must apply our energies in various circumstances until the returns for our expenditures are more rewarding than either hoarding or abandoning them to disuse. We know rewarding returns by their effects which not only increase our own health, joy and well being, but also the health, joy, and well-being of everything that touches us. That is the effect of true wealth, truly abundant energy, wealth unspoiled by the ruinous rot of avarice and sloth.

Only after we have had some success in reapplying our own wayward and inefficiently used energies towards more harmonious and beneficent ends - after we have essentially turned shit into fertilizer, food waste into compost, and basically found places where a little trash here is a grand treasure there - only then can we have any hope of figuring out how to help others even want to transform their own energies. Only then can we start to resolve some of the global damaged we've caused - effects of ill-considered and unwise uses of energy. See that judgment accomplishes nothing. It will take nonjudgment to appreciate the real potential of any energy we come across and to find a healthy use for it. It will take no less than our time and ingeniously, wisely directed energy to repair and prevent injury and end pointless destruction and harm. This is the investment we must offer to our brothers, sisters and the planet in the effort to lift up the collective: everyone, everything and ourselves.

Use yourselves harmoniously, friends!

GETTING FIRED

I'm a fan of inertia to a fault. It may have to do with the fact that when I act, I desire so deeply to do well that I put the entire force of my being into my action. This desire can make even the smallest tasks seem overwhelming to the point that inaction sometimes feels preferable. 

I don't care for work. I care for creation, for lifting up others, and for love. When I act to accomplish those things, it can look a lot like work, and surely some people might call it that. I put a great deal of time and energy into the things I care about, absolutely. But I prefer to think of it as living lovingly, thoughtfully and consciously directed. Living is both more essential to life and more fun, so I try to start from the point of living, and whatever is the "work" of life must naturally flow from that. I will do well as my nature, learning, ability, growth, and circumstances permit and develop. In this way, I am always fired up about my "work." There are so many great things we can do in the world while we're alive. There's no time for mediocre and soul-sapping drudgery. There's no time to do less than our best. 

I never did understand half-assing things until this one job where I slowly sank into the sad state of not caring about my work. I had started the job with my lowest pay ever under the impression that I was to improve the products of a business I appreciated, and that I would have some freedom in my hours to do so. After a time I realized that suddenly and instead, I was expected to perform little more than customer service and that I would need to maintain a regular schedule for that work. This was to happen while the changes I had originally been asked to make simply never happened and I maintained and endured the status quo, which was a state of decay. I felt under-appreciated, that my talent went unacknowledged and under-utilized, and that my vision for even small improvements was denied at every turn at a place which was already in a downward spiral. Before I saw that all this was happening I had been demotivated, demoralized, and disappointed. I ceased to care about the work because it wasn't even the work I had agreed to perform at all but rather found thrust upon me. 

I went to work later and later because it took me longer and longer every day just to bring myself to go there. And then, I could work more peacefully, quietly with fewer people around, including the boss who had hired and then - I felt - ignored and betrayed me. Finally, the boss had enough of my odd hours. Boss told me it was now plain that I wasn't into the work and that if that were the case, then I wasn't needed anymore, after all. In that moment I was utterly relieved. I went home feeling free and alive again in the cool indigo of that sweet, crisp, evening.

After that, I knew I could never again do work which felt meaningless, work I didn't enjoy, work that didn't use or come from the best of me and my nature. They call it being fired, but they should call it being ashes, 'cause all that fire has gone out or else goes out, one way or another. Or maybe the fire was never there at all.

It took me a while to determine what would fire me up again. I think part of the reason I slogged through as lamely as I did for the time that I did was that I wasn't sure what could ignite me next, and so I hadn't been well-motivated to jump a ship where I had already committed to help out, albeit differently.

Sometimes I recall Dr. Penn - in describing the shiftiness of my moods, actions, and inactions along the lines of physics - telling me "An object in motion tends to stay in motion. An object at rest tends to stay at rest."

I have this tendency to be either completely ablaze or else ashes - there's no in between. I love love. I love making things, studying, science, nature, and contributing to personal, communal, and planetary health and well-being. That's my fire, and I only burn being in those ways. In between actions along those lines, it can be difficult to pry me from the mode of max-chill. That's just the conservation of energy required for those times I do burn, I suppose. 

From ashes, I've had to learn to skip the process of finding motivation entirely because I never have found motivation. I think it's bullshit. For every reason to do, there's a reason not to do. If I do manage to convince myself that the reasons to do are better or even more rewarding than not to do and then act accordingly, I feel like I've just conned myself and end up acting grudgingly, even when I'm doing a decent thing. So I have decided to abandon that entire line of thinking. It doesn't serve me. 

Fortunately, I don't need motivation at all anymore. I know at least some of what I really love, and what I value: I know my fire. It's there whenever I want or need it. So it's much easier to spontaneously combust than to build a fucking fire. I just get up and do the thing, and only then do the light and heat arrive. I don't need reasons, visions of what will be, or notions of how great I will feel when I do the thing, because all that's just imagination, bullshit. I just need my fucking fire. 

That's the thing about ashes: as long as we live, there's still a little ember underneath, just waiting for the right fuel to ignite it. The breath of our desires (as for money and comfort) and the tinder of our abilities may be enough to stoke up some occupation that'll keep us warm enough to survive. But predilection, passion, or even mere curiosity explored may ignite that fire with which we warm and provide light to those around us, as well as ourselves.

Get fired and keep burning, friends. You are loved.

STRESS AND HARMONY

Andrew Millison's permaculture landscape design course at OSU described the principle of stress and harmony in these terms:

"Stress may be defined as the prevention of natural function or forced function, function with essential needs unmet; and conversely, harmony is the permission of chosen and natural functions, and the supply of essential needs."

Stress to natural forms or systems results in disorder, dysfunction, disease, lost energy, poor production or low yields, and even breakdown of systems to the point of untimely death. Harmony creates just the opposite: order, easy function, health, energy efficiency, high production and yields, and long lives well lived. This principle applies from the level of the individual cell on through more complex beings like plants and animals and on up to whole ecosystems and even the entire unified living being of the planet.

I found that this principle applies also to ourselves. When our essential needs aren't met, when we're forced to function beyond our unique limits, or when we're prevented by others from functioning in alignment with our natures we suffer stress, disorder, and disease. Stress, disorder, and disease are nature's way of revealing to us that our systems for living are in some way or ways inefficient, destructive, and basically fucked up. Our bodies would typically move towards balance, towards homeostasis, towards harmony, but we have to allow and support that work. This may include removing ourselves from any outside forces – toxic places, people, activities, lifestyles, relationships and anything else – which prevent or inhibit the development of our healthiest natural forms. Most of us would prefer to be healthy and happy, but we have to mind our real needs and values in order to achieve them. We have to prioritize and allow their fulfillment.

We can see that many "civilized" people – myself included, for a long time - try instead to force themselves out of alignment with their natures. The thing is, civilization and human “development” have failed to create healthy functioning systems for life on this planet. Each new generation is born amid these increasingly broken systems and has to find a way to adapt. Education and a now massive amount of media specify how we ought to adapt to the status quo. In a thousand ways every day we are told that we have to deny or suppress our natures if we hope to thrive in the world, to make something of ourselves – as if we weren't something already. And so deluded and poisoned, self-abusing in order to survive in a broken system and a destructive culture, we trudge onward. Homeostasis and harmony give way as we pursue money instead, all because we're deluded into actually believing that we need money to live more than we need life to live. That's some early-learned and hard-wired programming for many folks, but if we'll think about it for a moment, it's clearly fucking absurd. But that belief has prompted many of us to abandon the physical and emotional needs our natures actually require for healthy harmonious lives. Simply put, our priorities are fucked.

Fortunately, we can change our patterns. We can extricate ourselves from the man-machine clusterfuck and develop more harmonious ways of living. The hardest part may be recognizing or accepting who our “natural self” even is. All that shaping we've experienced up to now may have made us like bonsai trees, distorted and stunted all this time. We can't expect to be anything near to natural overnight. Neither could we abandon that tree to the elements and expect it to survive easily, if at all. Masanobu Fukuoka learned this the hard way when he left a cultivated citrus orchard to fend for itself – and killed most of it – in his early efforts at natural farming.

While our capacity to adapt can allow us to make some dramatic changes rapidly, a slower transition may reduce the immediate stress to the system and improve our chances of success and survival, like a smoker going cold-turkey versus phasing out tobacco over time. There may be failures, but no matter. If we're already out of balance, unhealthy, and miserable, then our best bet will always be towards improvement. 

It may take some experimentation, allowing ourselves to function in ways we may have prohibited before in order to figure out how best to harmonize. We can learn and improve as we go along. We were designed to do that. Remember that the point where personal choice leads to failure is also the point at which observation, reflection, and learning lead to personal growth. The more we may have separated our actions and lifestyles from our natures, the harder it will be to discover who our harmonious, natural self really is. But the only thing to do is keep trying. Remember that we will always be more than we could ever possibly imagine and that we will always be changing over time, anyway. Being naturally harmonious is not an end, but a process of constant discovery and adaptation which sustains health and joy.

So we have to ask ourselves often, “What nourishes and maintains my body and mind? What lifts up my heart and soul?” We must prioritize in our lives the answers to these questions if we are to minimize stress and develop and maintain harmony.

We might also avoid some unnecessary failure if we study the larger picture and observe its patterns before implementing big changes. Observing the grand scheme, we clearly see that we are connected and interdependent. Consequently, we must regard not only our own needs but also the needs of others.

We must consider our observations of the bigger picture, and within that context ask ourselves, “How might I arrange my natural functions in the world so that they don't simply coexist alongside those of others, but in what ways might my natural functions even complement the lives and function of others so that we both benefit? Where in the world is my natural self most useful, that I can find symbiosis there?”

The answers to these questions might allow us to better adapt to our world rather than waiting for it to adapt to us. And we can see that with this approach we could eventually develop harmonious systems of living between people, within communities, ecosystems and even the entire planet. Of course, there can be no global harmony without collective individual harmony. In an interconnected world, this means it can start with you.

Nature may have been presented to us as cruel, as survival of the fittest, as this against that. But nature doesn't see all that struggle, though, doesn't give a shit how we describe it. Life just seeks balance over time, and it uses so many natural patterns and systems to accomplish that balance. The patterns of nature don't care whether or not we fight them, but they will end us one way or another in any case. We can either go with the natural flow, harmonize and enjoy the ride and die, or we can fight against the flow, struggle, stress and die. The choice is yours. 

Choose well and be well, friends.