I try to get closer to God. I try to remember every day to invite God in. I can't begin to know what that even means. I don't believe anybody can begin to know what that means and relay it in limited human terms, either. I don't even know for sure how to go about getting closer to God. I mostly just experiment. I imagine it's an intuition guided process. I act as I suppose I feel closer.
I've had strange experiences that, as I noted in another blog, science suggests may simply be my under-active right parietal lobe. But as a believer, and as all believers in anything will find a way to explain away any evidence, I have simply concluded that the absence of activity surely must be what allows God in. Ridiculous, right? That is fine. I'm ridiculous in so many ways, what's one more? I sometimes think I hear an inspired thought, and even when I'm not so sure I'll go ahead and trust it. Kierkegaard convinced me well enough in his exploration of the tale of Abraham and Isaac – see “Fear and Trembling” - that faith is pure madness, insanity. Still, I would like to be as faithful as Abraham on that hilltop, that insane.
There is much in the world that is simply alternative insanity, and all that madness gets along all the same, toward whatever end it has. All things end, and so all madness ends. The infinite growth of capitalism is pure insanity in a world and even universe of limited resources, but the avaricious are especially fond of it because belief in it allows them to keep trying as long as they live to fill the bottomless pit of their desire, a goal they will never attain. Daily, people across the globe pollute, harm, annihilate and self-destruct in countless ways, and they can speak it reasonable in a multitude of ways, but it's madness.
People don't see what they are doing, because they are so lost in “I” that they don't see that “we” means the same thing. They don't see the health of everything around them as connected with their own health. They don't see that for health we need a balanced approach. They don't see that for real healing the only solution is the connection that lifts up all things. Anything else is madness.
I think it's crazy to think that all there is to me is me. That's fucking absurd. What a limited view! It doesn't take much thinking to see that if the world around you is shit, you are going to be in a shitty way. Care for things, and everything lifts up. I think that God is the essence of connection between all things. I would be so connected, remember that connection every day.
I think God is in all things, so I can't really get closer to God but in the consciousness of God, in the awareness of that connection. That may be the purpose of consciousness, of being at all: to attain God-consciousness. Sometimes, I remember to look around and see nothing but God. Then, everything shines. It feels like truth, so I roll with it. I'm grateful for that connection.
Frankly, I hesitate to admit all of this. But I tell you because I think it's a useful practice, this trying to find a way to be better, to connect and serve better, to lift up. It's the madness of faith, I suppose. I never did let something sounding a little crazy stop me from trying it out. And if you can find that a little madness makes you happier, healthier, and lifts up those around you to, then please do the world a favor and go fucking crazy with it.
Do you love your body, but wish you treated it a bit better? Do you think about exercising, maybe even get into it for a few days until you decide that you prefer video games, reading, Netflix and chilling? Or maybe you just dread working out? Well, I am in no way trained to help you find a healthier way to live. Medical doctors, nutritionists, fitness trainers, and many others will give you better advice than I can about how you might best go about getting healthier, and by all means, speak with them and experiment with your body under their practiced guidance. Even so, I learned a few things on my own journey towards health and fitness that have worked for me, and I will share some of those methods with you now.
These tips will by no means get you fit fast. Being a sloth, I take my time about things. But you know, I learned from David Attenborough that sloths can fucking swim like you wouldn't believe. And while you might not believe in your own power to move your ass or even eat well, I promise you that it is there, just as the sloth can swim. You may not even feel your abs now, but know that with patience, you can eventually even see them. You can do that and still be lazy, read a lot of books, play video games, meditate, daydream, and generally fuck off or even fuck up, as I do. With a little trying, we find that we love to treat our bodies well. With these fleshy forms feel good whenever we do. Our senses enjoy good food, great views, and fine music. We get to hug, snuggle, and make love only with the good service of these vastly complex machines. This form which both houses and maintains our consciousness and all that we call our “self” is worthy of appreciation.
If you haven't already, start by giving your body just that: appreciation. First, you have to know that nobody and no body feels respected when being judged harshly, so drop all cruelty and disapproval at once. What your body needs, like everybody needs, is a little understanding and forgiveness. If you have harmed your body much, understand that you were probably trying to find a way to make it feel better. It seems madness now, but surely that's why I used to self-mutilate, smoke, drink excessively, and sugar-binge. Like me, maybe you didn't know the best way. Maybe it was even terribly self-destructive, what you did. And as I fucked up, you may have fucked up, as we all fuck up and inadvertently fuck ourselves. I forgive me. You forgive you. And we can end all that harm now. We know better and can treat our bodies better now. Thank your body for surviving even your own mistreatment of it. See how strong it is to have endured all that you have put it through. If you are mean in word or thought towards your body, you do yourself no favors by your meanness, and you do not improve yourself at all. You want to improve now. So let go of your inclination to meanly judge your body or any part of it now.
You can develop your appreciation for your body by recognizing some simple and undeniable truths. See how your body has healed every wound thus far. You can thank your feet for helping you get just about everywhere you've been, and your sweet blessed hands for so much function. You can thank your stomach and guts for digestion and assimilation of the sunshine energy and matter that move and make you, and your very asshole for shitting all you don't need, stuff that would poison you if you didn't pass it. Acknowledge your need for your liver to purify, muscles to move, fat to warm and energize, and skin also to excrete while keeping everything in and all protected. Your senses and brain are treasures you know you'd love to maintain, so be grateful for what of these you have. Thank every one of your cells for working hard each second, and for living their entire lives within the longer scope of yours that you might persist. Thank them for their service.
Practice thanking your body in front of a mirror. If you are prone to being unkind towards yourself, this will be difficult at first, so be prepared to hug yourself when you feel the need. Yeah, that's probably fucking weird; but there you go judging yourself again, and that's bullshit. Let that shit go and hug yourself already! Your body is awesome. You are awesome. Learn to be your own friend. Wilde said "to love one's self is the beginning of a lifelong romance," and it's true. So say "I love you" right into your eyes and mean it. If after all your trying you still can't do this sincerely, get help from a trained and licensed therapist until you can. If we cannot love ourselves now, we never will in any now, whatever shape we're in. So start with that.
With even a modicum of this self-appreciation tingling through your nerves, self-care gets easier. By replacing self-judgment with forgiveness and appreciation, your failures – and we are likely to encounter them - cease to be the end of your trying. You'll know when you miss a workout, it's no big deal. When you eat that donut, it isn't the end of your attempts to eat healthier. It's not even a big fucking deal. As a matter of fact, you know that you don't have to work out. And certainly, you can eat whatever you want, any time. That you get to choose is your power. Only, now you try to be more conscious of the repercussions of those choices on your well-being. And you choose what brings you towards the goals intended by your better self, goals based upon your real values.
If you're anything like me, there's a moment of doubt that arrives alongside the temptation to eat something that doesn't align with your ideals, or alongside the notion to skip a workout. Don't ignore that feeling! Use it to prompt the question “is doing this thing really going to make me feel better, or is it going to make me feel worse? Or maybe better now, but worse later?” We all want to feel better, and when you consider how icky something can actually end up feeling when you do give in, it's way easier to avoid the temptation in the first place. Remember how actions that may have felt good in the past ended up making you feel terrible after all. Recall how miserable and wretched it made you - and know that you can choose differently right now. You are totally willing to choose better now, to avoid that hell. And when you do the better thing instead, thank yourself and give yourself a pat on the back. Fuck yeah, you are a badass and not even your own bullshit can stop you anymore.
Also, if something really is going to make you feel better, now and later, then do it. Yesterday night, after a long day of parachute-packing, my back felt keenly sore. I was hungry by the time I was finished packing, and after making and digesting my dinner it was already approaching bedtime. Besides that, aches from other recent workouts hadn't subsided, and a lack of a really good day of rest this week may have been exacerbating those pains. So my scheduled workout really didn't seem like the best bet for my well-being, even though I still kind of wanted to attack it. Instead, I settled for a much-needed gentle yoga and stretching session, and I am glad that I did. I had to think about what would make me feel the best, then and today, based on the state I found myself at the time.
Sometimes we'll find ourselves in situations where the best thing isn't what we'd planned or even might like to do. Stay flexible as your needs and circumstances change. If you find yourself giving in constantly to alternatives or temptations, however, examine this behavior pattern and design a new plan that takes into account what is either your need to go easier and set smaller goals, or else your need to be cleverer than your proclivity towards self-deception as a means to self-gratify in the short-term. Consider that subverting your best intentions means you conveniently get to keep performing the same, dysfunctional, and destructive behaviors. When you behave as you always have, you don't have to put in the effort to change – what a relief! But of course, you'll never realize your dreams that way. Refocus on what you value, and make sure that your goals align with those values. Goals without values attached are literally worthless.
Be sure that your goals are small and easily achievable. If you want to eat a salad every day, but you don't eat salad at all now - you don't even look at salads - then try for eating a salad two days a week: a weekday salad and a weekend salad, to try the new habit in different circumstances. If you want to exercise six days a week, shoot for three or four; and if you would exercise three or four days a week, start with one or two. You can do more if you feel like it. I believe this will make adjustments to your exercise and diet much more manageable. The idea is to start small, and for us especially lazy fuckers even very small is perfectly acceptable. You can always do more later. And because your tiny goals will be much easier to achieve, and you can savor the pride and joy of success more often. You'll better avoid the traps of self-judgment and despondency that come with failure. When you do fail, it'll be easier to fix your fuck up, as you'll have less to do to make up for it. You'll find that as your body starts to feel good about all the love and kindness that you're giving it, you want to give it even more care and good work. That's easy, and that's fabulous.
All this mental and emotional work is at least half of the equation of health and fitness, but the other half includes the physical changes we'll need to make. That means diet and exercise but think of it as eating and playing, because that's really what it turns out to be.
There are approximately seventeen bazillion diets in this world, but for a brief, simple, no-nonsense primer on some sensible eating, I highly recommend Michael Pollan's “Food Rules,” which is absolutely worth the five bucks you'll spend on it if you don't pick it up freely at your local library. (Pick up the version with Maira Kalman's adorable illustrations for colorful reading). One of Michael Pollan's rules is along the lines of shopping the edges of the grocery store. Most stores, That's where you'll find the fresher and less processed foods including vegetables, meats, eggs, dairy, and maybe the bulk items like whole grains and nuts. Excepting a few items like coffee, nut-butters, and the organic noodles my hubby loves, I basically label everything in the center aisles “shit” and approach any item shelved there with a great deal of skepticism. Another rule: if it has to make claims on the package about how good it is for you then it's probably not that good for you at all. This book is a tiny gem that will rapidly make your grocery shopping and choices a lot more rewarding to your body.
Knowledge is power, and knowing not only what's in your food but the effects of that food upon your body and brain can dramatically shift your perspective on foods that once seemed irresistible. If you want the dirty low-down on what the food industry does to rake in our dollars, prepare to be amazed by Michael Moss' “Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us,” (also available in audiobook format). When we learn about these things, our beliefs change, and when our beliefs change our actions follow suit. I promise you, when things that once looked delicious turn into things that look devastating to your body, brain, and the planet, it's a lot easier to get exclusive about what you eat. My lazy friends, curl up with this impressive book and brace yourself for the revelations. Some foods are almost impossibly hard to resist. It turns out that they're scientifically designed and marketed to crumble all of your defenses and invade you, keep you buying for life. When you know the tactics, you'll more deftly dodge the onslaught.
I should also let you know that while some foods may have you charmed you with their potent and unique flavors, I promise you that they lose their appeal in more than just their shit content. After a while of eating healthier foods (which you will also come to savor and love more and more, by the way), your mouth just isn't going to enjoy that greasy, salty, over-sweet, fake-ass trash anymore. Your yearning for these things likewise subsides, and in some cases even turns to revulsion. It doesn't get easier than that.
I almost wanted to avoid talking about this next thing because I used to hate it and think it an awful burden, but more recently I started calorie counting again. Even at the turn of the century, counting calories was still a real pain in the ass. I found it frustrating and a chore to organize and calculate the data I collected back then. Today, apps like Nutritionix have turned the whole process from a complicated shitshow into a gracefully simple and tidily informative process. Recently, after doctors told me to eat a lot more protein, I became concerned that I might end up consuming more calories than I could use, especially because I already eat so much fat every day: avocados, olive oil, nuts, seeds, coconut milk, and cheeses are a constant for me. So I used various calorie calculators to figure out what my daily calorie intake ought to be for my weight, height, age, gender, and activity level. (You can find a plethora of these calculators by googling them. Try different ones and you should see that they should roughly average, be skeptical about anomalous numbers). The number I came up with didn't seem like many calories at first, but only after I started keeping track of my calorie consumption did I realize that I had actually been regularly eating hundreds of calories too few! The addition of entire servings of things like pea protein, salmon and sardines didn't make up the difference. I actually had to eat more. It seems that when we eat nutritious, healthy foods and exercise, we actually get to eat a fuckton. This is a tasty benefit to which you can also look forward.
It might also be wise to mind your macronutrient ratios. Macronutrients are simply the carbohydrates, proteins, and fats which we all need to survive. You can figure out a ratio that suits your needs and goals here. I found that the percentages which came up here aligned well with those my doctors provided. The Nutritionix app also allows me to keep an eye on these ratios throughout the day, which makes it simple to plan, balance, and size my next meal. With the app, I spend three to five minutes a day tracking these things, and it keeps me from under-eating, over-eating, and eating inefficiently. My energy levels and mood stability are dramatically improved since I started paying mind to my macronutrient levels and calorie intake.
As for exercise, I understand your skepticism. Actual physical exertion? Fuuuuuuck. But any beliefs you may have about exercising sucking hard are only that: beliefs. Since a belief is just a thought you think over and over, think thoughts that serve your health and well-being, which is what you value now. Think things like “I've got this. I've got the energy. I am fierce as fuck. This is fun. Fuck yeah, I can go a little further, push a little harder today. I can feel it. I am made of energy!” Pay attention to your thoughts about exercise, and start making sure that they're conducive to getting you to move your body rather than retreat into naptime, but only until you're done moving a little while. I used to dread exercise, but now I love it. That's a natural consequence of banishing all negative thoughts about exercise – before, during and after exercise – and turning all that shit-talking into love-talking. The burn is no longer hellfire, but the growing pains of my muscles, which become stronger and more defined every day. And I don't really "workout." Fuck work, we sloths detest it. Exercise is play. I don't even feel fabulous until after I get in some playtime! My body and brain need it. Remember that words are powerful, and use them to your advantage.
Of course, self-talk only goes so far. Be willing to experiment with a lot of different types of exercise (read: play) until you find something you really enjoy. That's really what turns work into play, see. Don't settle for what you think you're supposed to do, or what you know will work but you don't dig, because you won't want to do it, and you aren't going to form any lasting habits doing things you don't want to do. Find an activity that aligns with your nature and current circumstances and needs, and that will lend the positive self-talk the truth it needs in order for you believe in yourself and keep going.
Finding an exercise regime I both enjoyed and could commit to was probably the hardest part. I tried for years to hit the gym, start jogging, take yoga classes, rock climb, that sort of thing, but nothing ever stuck. Then, about five years ago I actually started my foray into real fitness with a workout video game. I ain't even kidding. My hubby tried to tell me that Ubisoft's Fit in Six is a workout program, but “video game” sounds a helluva lot more fun, so that is what it is to me. The game includes pilates, cardio, kickboxing, Latin and regular dance moves, strength training with focuses on upper, lower and core body, and I downloaded the yoga package for another ten bucks, which is still cheaper than the price of one class at a studio in town. It uses motion controllers for bonus points when you move well, but they aren't necessary.
Every console has titles available that will get you moving, and a lot of them are a real delight that you can enjoy in private or with your pals. More recently I found that the Just Dance series makes me laugh, and surely gets my heart pumping. This series and others like it are available on many platforms. Most of these games include wonderfully brief, even song-length workouts that make starting the process of moving your body great fun that you can enjoy for a one-time fee and without ever leaving your house. With them, I found that starting the regular practice of fitness play was possible for the first time in my life. Here's a list of fitness titles for the Xbox One, Wii, PS3 & PS4 to get you started. And here you'll find a few others for those platforms as well as the Xbox 360 and the Oculus Rift with Samsung VR.
Eventually, I found that on days that my hubby was using the TV or when I made it to bedtime without doing anything, it was easy to crank out a set of squats, a set of push-ups, and a set of crunches, and that this was always better than the nothing that I could have done. Suddenly, I was regularly exercising even out without video games. Let your own journey be a similarly gentle process, especially if that's what allows you to succeed. Remember that you don't have to start like a boss to end up fierce, you just have to start. For us lazy folk who prefer hygge-life to hyper-life, I can think of no better way to get moving than fitness video games.
I still play Fit in Six on days I need to go easy, but even after adding weights and using the longer workouts and more of them I found I needed to progress. You too will reach a time when you'll need more. I live out in the country, miles from even the rock-climbing and trampoline gyms I think are a blast, and these cost money. Besides that, my man and I only like to drive to town once or twice a week, tops, on errands, so they aren't an option that works for me. And if you fear the judgment of others at peopley places, as even I sometimes do, then that's no option for you, either. I had to find more I could do from home, and it turned out that riding my bike out among the almond orchards and rice fields, watching the kestrels and herons and crows about their business gets me moving while simultaneously allowing me to relax. I can push it or go easy as I need to, and stop and snack when I find a patch of blackberries or a fig tree hanging over a roadside ditch. It used to be that even riding to my girlfriend's a half mile away was an effort, but having something to do or fun to have at point b made it feasible. As with the video games, I pushed a little harder over time, and now a real workout on my bike includes riding to at least two of the three local towns, or about thirty miles of riding. Anything less is just a jaunt, an easy joyride. If I had told me this six years ago, I would have laughed and laughed. Riding a bike, roller-blading, and walking or jogging can be easily started from your home and get you outdoors, excellent when you need a bit of sunshine. They're also things that you can start very gently and then increase in intensity and distance as your strength and endurance improve.
About the time my local rides had become easy and it was taking too many hours to get in a good workout that way, my girlfriend introduced me to PiYo. Developed by Chalene Johnson at Beachbody, it takes its inspiration from pilates and yoga, and it's a great step from gentler workouts into something familiar, but more intense. I got hooked on that, and then a cardio and HIIT program called TurboFire, which is fierce as fuck. I use the DVD's, but it turns out that Beachbody has what they call “Beachbody on Demand” which is essentially Netflix for people who want to move their bodies. It's way cheaper than a gym membership and perfect for those of us who don't even want to put on pants, let alone leave the house. You can search for exercise videos by duration and difficulty, and the programs vary in type from tai-chi and yoga to Shaun T's Insanity and Tony Horton's P90X programs, and everything in between. I appreciate that I can use the pause function as often as I want, and until I find that I no longer need to, a sweet win. I anticipate using Beachbody on Demand more once I'm finished with the TurboFire program, less than two weeks from now. And we can log in anywhere and take this with us, should we find ourselves away from home.
If that's still a prettier penny than you'd like to spend but you like the idea of exercise programs on your television, check out your local library's fitness DVD selection. You can try different ones every week this way, explore different kinds of exercise without spending a dime. Some of them might be a little old and cheesy, but they'll do the trick and you'll automatically feel way cooler than your workout buddies; which for some reason makes it easier to believe that you can do the thing, too, if those dorks can do it. I also found more specialty workouts at the library. You'll see things like prenatal yoga, workouts for seniors from Prevention magazine, Zumba, routines from dance companies, weird stuff you might not think about but could love.
The last tip will give you is that you should “find a group of fit friends,” as Mrs. Johnson puts it at the end of one of her TurboFire classes. Surround yourself with people who also love maintaining healthy bodies and minds. I mentioned that my girlfriend showed me PiYo, which really stepped up my fitness level dramatically. I have another strong girlfriend, and her commitment to exercise - or maybe really just her tight abs and adorable butt - inspires my own commitment. Erika Herman is a genius whom I was lucky to meet and study with at UCLA, and she helped expand my earliest studies into health and fitness. She also now offers her talents in helping people with even the most confounding health issues on their paths towards wellness, and I know few people more insightful or capable of exposing hidden corners to light or clarifying the murky. I also follow inspiring and super-fit people like Sunny Eclipse Blades on Facebook. You can opt to see posts by people who share their workouts and healthy meals and tips first in your feed so that you get excited about and motivated in your own efforts. You can even join a group of like-minded people who workout and play as you do. Or you could start your own group, like a couple I know did with the Sloppy Moose Running Club, which jogs to destination beer on the regular in Sacramento. All of these people have helped make me the healthier, happier, stronger person that I am today. Engage with powerfully healthful and positive people, and their energy and knowledge will lift you up, too.
Alright, my sweet and indolent friends. I know that's a lot to process, and I sure as fuck hope you took something useful from all of this. The key things are to love who you already are, every bit of you. Start with very small goals and be kind and gentle towards yourself. Focus on your values and design your goals to suit those values; remind yourself of these values often and especially when faced with the temptation to abandon your efforts towards a healthier, fitter, happier you. Develop your knowledge and do things you enjoy. Surround yourself with people who do the same. If I missed something or you've got your own tips for sloths like me, let me know! There are a lot of us out there, and we could all use the support.
Be well! Also, here is that adorable, swimming sloth:
From this distance – across miles and miles of wires and fiber optic cables, beyond the photo and text editing - it's easy for anybody to look good, sound good, delude you into thinking they've got it good, got something that you lack. I have a friend who once explained that he couldn't engage in social media outlets like Facebook too often because seeing the fun and happy times of all of his friends made his own life and times seem a dull and sad drudgery by comparison. Of course, he knew that these people's lives, hearts, and minds weren't necessarily as dazzling or brilliant as those they portrayed; but because he only saw the sweetness his own life soured at the sight of it. He is a friendly if somewhat cynical professional with a career in which his success is only increasing as he helps others and our world, and he enjoys travel and adventures that many would envy. It occurs to me only now that maybe it's not the direct comparison that pains him so much as the recognition of something he's missing in his own life, however vague that impression. Maybe seeing more clearly that others are missing the same pieces would reduce his sense that his life his somehow less palatable while also allowing him to connect with others who have the same problems, and together they could better find that particular spice they've been missing.
I am often honored by people's praise of me. All my life I have been told that I am exceptional, good-hearted, thoughtful and insightful. But I think it's important for you to know that however I may strive to be these things more and more every day, I have not always been so and I don't succeed every day. Just this morning I found myself sunk into some brutal ill-wishing; a consequence, I don't doubt, of some troubled emotions about inequality in our world and what I presume is the endless hunger of avarice which perpetuates that inequality. Moments like these illustrate those places where hurt begins to breed hurt. Strong emotions, untempered by higher reason, easily transform into destructive and regrettable behaviors. This does not make the feelings themselves “negative” or even to be avoided, but our responses to those emotions and the repercussions of that behavior must be well-considered. I do not actually want the annihilation of even that which annihilates. I know that this would only create a vacuum which other destroyers would quickly fill. I would much prefer it if the destructive and avaricious would simply realize that their behaviors fail to bring them the real bliss of which they are capable. I'd love it if they could desire a better life, and then develop a bit more empathy and charity for the sake of their own peace and the world's. But you have to know that knowing better doesn't always stop me from fantasizing about burning shit to the motherfucking ground.
Fortunately, the only thing those thoughts burn is me, and I get better at reducing the duration and damage of that smoldering. That might sound like an admirable goal, but see that better and even less destructive to myself would be not to burn in this way in the first place. I aspire to that kind of equanimity. Without it, even brief forays into judgment and self-righteous thinking will do me more harm than good. While we can imagine folks like Buddhist monks excel in this regard, Dr. Diane C. Evans, who I mentioned in my last post, is a master of this kind of allowing. I point this out because it is important to remember that we don't necessarily have to meditate for ages or engage in ascetic practices to develop that kind of thinking.
I am reminded here, however, of Paul Ekman's “Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life.” In this book he tells us of “automatic appraisal,” which Ekman describes as what happens when “we sense that something important to our welfare is occurring, and a set of physiological changes and emotional behaviors begins to deal with the situation.” My brain's automatic appraisal of the inequality cited above was to call bullshit and respond with fury, for example. As Ekman tells it, we may be able to rewire our responses to our emotions, but perhaps not the function of our automatic appraisal, whatever our training in emotional stability:
“Conceivably, we would have even more choice if we were able to become aware of the automatic appraisal as it is happening, and modify or cancel it at will. Because the automatic appraisers are so fast, I doubt that anyone is able to do that. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, in my meeting with him, did mention that some yogis are able to stretch time. For them those few milliseconds during which automatic appraisal occurs might be stretched long enough for them to make a conscious choice to modify or cancel the appraising process. But the Dalai Lama was doubtful that this type of appraisal awareness is possible for the vast majority of people, including him.”
So when we see people like Diane or badass monks remaining chill as fuck in the face of bullshit and chaos, it probably isn't a benefit of personality or character that keeps them cool, but rather a choice they make in each new moment to remain unflappable and in control. This is the same choice that we can make in each moment in response to our emotions, and it is empowering. You'll see memes and hear talk of not giving other people the power to control your emotions, but they don't tell you how to prevent them from doing so. It may be that you can't prevent it, only your response to it, and then you simply have to choose to chill the fuck out.
Now, since emotions are a physical thing, you can get physical to change your emotions. A few deep breaths may be all it takes to return control of yourself to you. Smiling too has been proven to alleviate emotions. Ekman notes that this has to be a genuine smile, for your brain senses your muscles and knows the difference between a fake smile and a real one. For a real smile, remember a pleasing experience: a good snuggle, your most recent orgasm, warm times with friends, that hilarious thing that happened on the lake, a song that brings you joy. If you can learn to love exercise (and here's a tip: start by telling yourself that you love to exercise), this will go a long way towards improving your general well-being. After more than a year of frequent and regular exercise, I believe I can now vouch for the truth of this. Exercise is truly empowering, a habit of self-love that reveals the capacity we have for changing who we are in clear, undeniable and physical terms.
I had originally meant to provide a kind of full disclosure regarding my being as much an asshole as anybody, a desire not to delude you into thinking, as my friend does of others, that my life is somehow perfect. You must remember that nobody is as they appear on social media. They are not even as they appear when they are standing before you, no matter what they can tell you about themselves, and no matter what you can discover about them. We are all much deeper and more complex than we may seem, and we have a lot of nasty stuff going on most of us don't want to share. But I shared some of my nasty because you see by doing so, we can look for ways to push through and into the better people we were born to be. When we reveal what's missing in our lives – in my case, equanimity – we can start to search for what we need together.
The other day I met a man sitting on a grassy knoll at the edge of a strip mall parking lot with a sign asking for help. We spoke a while. He showed me his pint of Fireball, and I remembered how it tastes like cinnamon candy, the Red Hots I loved as a kid, and that's probably why so many of us drank it as teens. I thought about how it probably kept him warm. He sang me songs. Cars passed, a woman in one stopped, smiled, blessed him and handed him a five. He told about how he just couldn't relate to many people, felt like he was on another level. When he asked me how to deal with that, I felt a little silly to tell him that it's important to stay humble. If he thinks he's got something better than others have, giving that gift is the best thing he can do with it. I told him he should sing more, if that's what he loves to do. When I had to go, in a hurry towards an appointment by the time we were done, I drove past him on my way out of the shopping center. I thought we'd just wave and say good day, but he surprised me when he apologized. “I'm sorry if I disappointed you,” he said.
“What?” I asked him, baffled.
“With my drinking, and all.”
“Nah, man! You're all good. You do you. We all do what we gotta do to take care of ourselves, man. It's all good,” I told him.
I hope he knows I was sincere. I had a good time being there with him.
Again: we are all much deeper and more complex than we may seem, and we have a lot of nasty stuff going on that most of us don't want to share. But you have to know it's all good. You have to know that if we can check our emotional responses and our judgments, towards others and ourselves, we can create a space in which the most reasonable and effective solution is love. We can lift each other up. You can't heal the darkest parts of yourself, though, without opening yourself up to let the light in, or even just to clearly see what's really going on in there. People worry about putting their baggage onto others, others with problems of their own. But for fuck's sake, good friends, we can't even see our own assholes without flexibility and the help of a mirror. Would you be so foolish to think that you can resolve all of your own problems? To believe that because others have problems too, we should all just clam up, smother them and let them fester beneath the surface, and out of view of even ourselves? I hope not. We are in this together.
See beyond the surface. Pause and consider your thoughts and emotions, whether they are helping you to create the life and world that you want. Seek and give help. Know that you can heal so much with the unconditional love that is always in you.
I've decided to start sharing some of the things I learn along the way. I mentioned in an earlier post that little is new, and most of my sources will be a lot more informative than I can be. Only in the past week or so has the ease with which I can share links to those sources finally occurred to me. For somebody who loves to learn, I am notably adept at ignoring anything that doesn't strike me as relevant. This includes all the buttons and iconography that seem to litter the edges of apps and pages. Out of pure laziness, or perhaps an unwillingness to adapt to technology, I've allowed myself to limit my scope and functionality. But I realize now that technology which adapts to us - as in brain-computer interfaces (BCI's) that might one day be able to simply read my brain and code pages like these to suit my fantasy - remains not only clunky but fundamentally unpalatable to me, who would resist biohacking via wifi anyways. For this reason, included in this week's “things I've learned” has been how to use more of the fundamental tools of this site, including providing links within this text. Yay! I hope it makes your visits here more enjoyable. On to things I've learned:
Anil Seth exists and studies the brain and consciousness at the Sackler Center for Consciousness Science. His Ted Talk, "Your Brain Hallucinates Your Conscious Reality," didn't tell me anything I haven't read elsewhere, but I did like the way he arranged that info into a colorful, twenty-minute mind-blow for anyone who still supposes that reality is fixed, rather than something contrived and then generally agreed upon. As for his not-so-subtle conclusion that the death of the body is the death of consciousness, I maintain some skepticism. He recognizes the interconnection of all life, but a broader, living medium in which a larger consciousness might also exist eludes science as studied in individuals, at any rate, and I imagine always will. And it being that experiences of that connection are probably a personal hallucination anyway, there's no reason to have any more faith in those experiences we may have had than we have faith in “reality.” As such, the dream of forms remains inexplicable.
What I love about science is that the more we come to know, the more we know that we don't know. That said, I was reminded by Steven Novella in his lecture series, “Your Deceptive Mind: A Scientific Guide to Critical Thinking Skills,” that neither should we let science's inability to capture perfect or complete data detract from the mountains of data that exist. Let us continue to wonder about why we have that data at all, who collected it and what their cultural biases, motivations and other limitations might be. Let us wonder too at the data we haven't collected, the things we haven't thought to ask or wonder at, or simply haven't the capacity to comprehend, whether limited by human perception, funding, technology, or any of these and more. But then, it might still be in our best interest to trust data replicable across time and across cultures. All this is to speak something of the need for “intellectual humility,” an idea which could stand a little more popularity in this current space and time.
I'm still watching “Scientific Secrets for a Powerful Memory,” (Peter M. Vishton, more lectures in the Great Courses series), but I am so annoyed that I didn't learn the Major System in kindergarten. Like, what the actual fuck. History would not have been my worst subject if it hadn't been for the need for date recall. I now know that I could have turned numbers into words, and those words into memorable images. Why don't they teach this to every child? Instead, we learned just one cute little rhyme that tells us of a murderous conquistador who “in 1492, sailed the ocean blue;" which also rhymes with "1742" and "1032" and every other number that ends in “2.” Useless. I detested singing in class: the monotonous droning, the forced unity, the intent to harmonize as a means of assimilating information was annoying and lost upon me. I could have pictured that sordid mofo in a turban beneath sails and that'd been that, forever. (The major system's TRBN translates to 1492). Fucking bullshit, that singing. A waste of time I could have spent learning the major system, a tool which will be useful beyond our idolization of colonizers.
Then there's the Method of Loci, another thing I wish I'd picked up earlier. When Sherlock Holmes refers to his “mind palace,” this is what he's talking about. We can use it to remember lists, information all kinds, by simply attaching the things we'd remember to locations along paths with which we're familiar, and it helps to surround those things with highly detailed, bizarre and sensuous imagery. Our excellent human capacity for spatial memory makes for success here. It works so well, I still remember every item on the practice grocery list Mr. Vishton used in the example I learned four days ago. Used in combination with the major system, you can remember some extraordinary chains of numbers. I am stoked because I am already using these to remember a string of birthdates I don't want to forget. You can find the gist of how to use your mind palace here.
Another thing I learned this week is that “The Great Courses” are really fucking expensive. Or rather, they are if you don't pick up the DVD's at your local library for free like I did. I highly recommend checking these out in fields that intrigue you.
One last thing I would share you, and which I learn over and over, is that therapy is really fucking useful. I study a lot, but that is not enough. We all need somebody to share the information we assimilate and weave in with our experience, somebody to help process the emotions we may be in the midst of and which diminish our capacity to reason or function effectively. You could certainly get a friend to help you with that, but when this person you speak with is trained and adept at identifying the limitations and pitfalls of the human psyche, and when this person is motivated by both cash and professional commitment to do their best to help you evolve, their work can be priceless. Currently, I visit with a clinical social worker, Dr. Diane C. Evans, every couple of weeks. She's wild and clever, a whirlwind of insight, and a force with a heart of gold. She's helped me to extend the kindness and forgiveness I so urgently want to share with others to myself, making it easier to keep sharing the love.
Dr. Gary Penn of the Los Angeles area is a genius whom I have always deeply admired, and he truly helped me to banish a self that didn't serve my well-being, anyone or anything. He did so with incredible patience, brilliant humor, and a no-nonsense attitude that might daunt the tender, but which satisfies those ready and willing to hear solid gold truth. This guy isn't fucking around, and he uses the sword of his “advanced understanding of the heart and mind” to cut through blind spots and bullshit to help others towards genuine self-realization. Everyone needs a Gary Penn in their lives. You can get some of his perspectives and listen to some talks on his website. Adding "Be Well" to my signature I stole directly from this dude because it's the most potent and concise well-wishing we can be sure to cram in for anyone. I listened to his "State of the Union" and learned that he too wonders how it is we can help people who don't want to be helped. Recently, I've come to wonder whether teaching meditation in schools, and everywhere we possibly can, is the world's best bet for a better future, for opening ourselves to our needs, including those for help. I think it may well be.
Gary introduced me to another genius who changed my life and thinking: Paramahansa Yogananda. I doubt Gary knew that when he told me about “Man's Eternal Quest” that this text of Yogananda's essays and lectures would become a kind of bible to me, a guide for living and doing well that I refer to anytime I'm feeling out of touch with my better self and have sense enough to dig myself out of that wretched hole. Most people rave about “The Autobiography of a Yogi,” particularly since Steve Jobs was so fond of it. If you dig wisdom direct, read the first. If you like a story to embed and reveal wisdom, read the latter. I keep these words from one of Yogananda's essays written down and close by to help keep me focused on the life I want to live. I look at them often:
“Those who like to dwell on the faults of others are human vultures. There is already too much evil in the world. Don't talk of evil, don't think of evil, and don't do evil. Be like a rose, wafting to all the sweet fragrance of soul goodness. Make everyone feel that you are a friend; that you are a helper, not a destroyer. If you want to be good, analyze yourself and develop the virtues in you. Banish the thought that evil has any part in your nature, and it will drop off. Make everyone else feel that you are an image of God, not by your words, but by your behavior. Emphasize the light, and darkness will be no more. Study, meditate, and do good to others.”
Keep learning. Sweet dreams and sweeter waking, friends.
Hey, hey, good friends! This is important, and I need to share it with you before I delude myself into thinking you don't need to hear this. Be there for the people you care about. Yeah, I know it seems obvious, but I've fucked this one up enough to have learned the hard way, and, man, while “no regrets” is ideal, I can promise you that it's challenging, in hindsight, to forgive yourself for not being there for the people you care about when they needed you the most. Self-compassion is all you've got, then, and it invariably feels a bit hollow and self-serving in the face of your failure, in the pain it might have caused others. So avoid that shit. Even when it seems to put you out a bit, even when you're annoyed or pissed at the person you care about, even when you want to believe and convince yourself that they don't really need you, that things will work out fine, just do yourself a favor and put in the time and energy that person needs from you right then.
Somebody said “it's better to regret having done something than to regret not having done something,” and I used to think that applied strictly to daring fun or adventures, but I see now that it also applies to the things we don't always feel like doing. You'll figure out the difference between another's need for you and their abuse of you, should you need to; but don't fear the latter. You can handle and end a little abuse more readily than you can regret.
Probably you have figured all of this out already. I think for most it's perhaps intuitive, or maybe it gets covered in the saccharine and Disney flicks which I have always avoided. In any case, not everybody (myself included) has been so gifted or clever, so I am telling you now: be there for the people you care about when they say they need you, or want you around.
And if you can manage it, care about a lot of people, and see how wealthy you are by giving all that you can.
Be well and love well, my friends!
*I posted this first on Facebook. I'll share here and there as I see fit.
I send you love and healing! I want to get into the habit of writing here - writing something which I hope will be of value or use to you - more frequently than I have been. I have held back and not always shared what I think of as the little, obvious, or redundant things. I know that my knowledge is built on those before me, that it's already out there for you to read elsewhere, and my words are just those ideas filtered through me. I believe that little is new, and certainly little that I have to offer. Sometimes, though, I understand that my particular perspective might be useful, and that it's one of my greatest gifts. It took me a long time to know that, though. And it isn't any good to anybody if I don't share it. It always sounds like vanity, to say that out loud, but between fear of being judged and permitting the impulse to let my light shine, it better serves myself and others to nix the first and support the latter. I like to believe, too, that our particular little forms, that thing we call an individual, is kind of like a crystal through which light shines. Maybe that light is collective consciousness, or God, or simply the collective breath of life itself, I don't know. Our forms are these unique crystals and their particular shapes - the shapes of our selves, the structure of our atoms and collected cells and neurons, all - affect the way the light shines through them, the way the rainbow of colors get expressed and painted across the walls which are our environment, the world. One shape paints one array, another shape a completely different rainbow, depending on the shape of that crystal: yours, mine, anyone's. If we keep our forms clear, the more brilliant and full the expression. I try to stay fit, meditate, avoid stagnation and brooding, thoughts and self-judgment that block the light. I've got to stay clear so that the light finds its best channels through me, so that the light that shines through and brightens up what it touches, helps things grow well. Everybody has this capacity. I didn't know what to write today, didn't think I have much to offer, but I figured I can't let that stop me. I know that wherever you're at, we could all use some love and healing. This much I can give you today. Feel it coming your way now, filling you up, warm and electric. I hope the light finds your darkest spots and reveals what's needed there. I hope this love, our love, gets in there and makes a friend where there was fear. We are so great, and have so much to offer. Let yourself shine. Feel it.
This morning I walked a few paces outdoors, right after I got out of bed. I scared myself pale and sick last night, and I struggled to sleep afterward. So this morning when I woke up I felt grateful to be alive, and wanted to savor how this feels. I went out to get the morning sun on my skin, to feel the cold on my face. I saw fine dew drops on the short, new grass and on the clover beneath the blood orange tree. Tiny birds sang, flock entirely invisible among the oleander. Granite stones, almond orchard, soil, hay, sky, eucalyptus. Witnessing all of this dulls the edge of a terror that mere thinking hones. There have been times when I've scared myself in this way, been utterly certain of imminent death. I have to remember that we are all doomed anyways, and that I can sit here at all to fear means not only that I'm still alive, but that if my time is indeed so short as I believe it is – and it will be short however long this form endures, I don't doubt – then I would do better spending my time feeling other than fear of the inevitable.
We have this brief gift of here-and-gone. Some people get keen and sure on what to do with themselves, and they have grand plans for making the world a better place, and they get busy. Their ingenuity makes a difference. I was not developed to be so clever, but still I would leave a positive impression and with that gentle pressure steer the hearts and minds of the world towards a unity that I sometimes sense; an understanding that I think, in the long run, will do this planet the most good.
I have tried many times to begin, but I can't start the process for anyone. We only ever start from the middle, from where we're at. I can't make excuses for why I didn't start sooner, why I didn't improve sooner. Neither can I tell you where I am going or intend to be, as though I could predict even my own future with any clarity or presume that my direction wouldn't change along the way. I know myself and the flow of this life too well for that, and its lack of rigidity – essential malleability and my own adaptability - is part of the gift. Reflecting on my failures just now, I grew nauseous. But I see too how they have given me the wisdom that has made me kinder, more connected, and I can think of no higher calling for myself than the realization of this connection. And I don't know how to share that connection with you but to tell you that the space between us is as much an illusion as is the existence of our atoms – mostly space, and what little matters we can't even pin down but with imperfect observation. We are this cosmic sludge, a soup in which the eyes of this potato see that hunk of carrot and say, “but I am unique!”
And maybe we are, just not for long. The best we can do is discover how to be the tastiest potato we can be.
I believe in the power of love. I aim to lift up. I would move towards sustainable, harmonious living and joy for all beings. So I study and think along these lines, and share what I gather here. Whatever my gifts, I would offer them back up to the universe in the service of love, because there are always more gifts and more love where that came from. I hope you enjoy and can make use of something here. Thank you for reading!
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