Do you love your body, but wish you treated it a bit better? Do you think about exercising, maybe even get into it for a few days until you decide that you prefer video games, reading, Netflix and chilling? Or maybe you just dread working out? Well, I am in no way trained to help you find a healthier way to live. Medical doctors, nutritionists, fitness trainers, and many others will give you better advice than I can about how you might best go about getting healthier, and by all means, speak with them and experiment with your body under their practiced guidance. Even so, I learned a few things on my own journey towards health and fitness that have worked for me, and I will share some of those methods with you now.
These tips will by no means get you fit fast. Being a sloth, I take my time about things. But you know, I learned from David Attenborough that sloths can fucking swim like you wouldn't believe. And while you might not believe in your own power to move your ass or even eat well, I promise you that it is there, just as the sloth can swim. You may not even feel your abs now, but know that with patience, you can eventually even see them. You can do that and still be lazy, read a lot of books, play video games, meditate, daydream, and generally fuck off or even fuck up, as I do. With a little trying, we find that we love to treat our bodies well. With these fleshy forms feel good whenever we do. Our senses enjoy good food, great views, and fine music. We get to hug, snuggle, and make love only with the good service of these vastly complex machines. This form which both houses and maintains our consciousness and all that we call our “self” is worthy of appreciation.
If you haven't already, start by giving your body just that: appreciation. First, you have to know that nobody and no body feels respected when being judged harshly, so drop all cruelty and disapproval at once. What your body needs, like everybody needs, is a little understanding and forgiveness. If you have harmed your body much, understand that you were probably trying to find a way to make it feel better. It seems madness now, but surely that's why I used to self-mutilate, smoke, drink excessively, and sugar-binge. Like me, maybe you didn't know the best way. Maybe it was even terribly self-destructive, what you did. And as I fucked up, you may have fucked up, as we all fuck up and inadvertently fuck ourselves. I forgive me. You forgive you. And we can end all that harm now. We know better and can treat our bodies better now. Thank your body for surviving even your own mistreatment of it. See how strong it is to have endured all that you have put it through. If you are mean in word or thought towards your body, you do yourself no favors by your meanness, and you do not improve yourself at all. You want to improve now. So let go of your inclination to meanly judge your body or any part of it now.
You can develop your appreciation for your body by recognizing some simple and undeniable truths. See how your body has healed every wound thus far. You can thank your feet for helping you get just about everywhere you've been, and your sweet blessed hands for so much function. You can thank your stomach and guts for digestion and assimilation of the sunshine energy and matter that move and make you, and your very asshole for shitting all you don't need, stuff that would poison you if you didn't pass it. Acknowledge your need for your liver to purify, muscles to move, fat to warm and energize, and skin also to excrete while keeping everything in and all protected. Your senses and brain are treasures you know you'd love to maintain, so be grateful for what of these you have. Thank every one of your cells for working hard each second, and for living their entire lives within the longer scope of yours that you might persist. Thank them for their service.
Practice thanking your body in front of a mirror. If you are prone to being unkind towards yourself, this will be difficult at first, so be prepared to hug yourself when you feel the need. Yeah, that's probably fucking weird; but there you go judging yourself again, and that's bullshit. Let that shit go and hug yourself already! Your body is awesome. You are awesome. Learn to be your own friend. Wilde said "to love one's self is the beginning of a lifelong romance," and it's true. So say "I love you" right into your eyes and mean it. If after all your trying you still can't do this sincerely, get help from a trained and licensed therapist until you can. If we cannot love ourselves now, we never will in any now, whatever shape we're in. So start with that.
With even a modicum of this self-appreciation tingling through your nerves, self-care gets easier. By replacing self-judgment with forgiveness and appreciation, your failures – and we are likely to encounter them - cease to be the end of your trying. You'll know when you miss a workout, it's no big deal. When you eat that donut, it isn't the end of your attempts to eat healthier. It's not even a big fucking deal. As a matter of fact, you know that you don't have to work out. And certainly, you can eat whatever you want, any time. That you get to choose is your power. Only, now you try to be more conscious of the repercussions of those choices on your well-being. And you choose what brings you towards the goals intended by your better self, goals based upon your real values.
If you're anything like me, there's a moment of doubt that arrives alongside the temptation to eat something that doesn't align with your ideals, or alongside the notion to skip a workout. Don't ignore that feeling! Use it to prompt the question “is doing this thing really going to make me feel better, or is it going to make me feel worse? Or maybe better now, but worse later?” We all want to feel better, and when you consider how icky something can actually end up feeling when you do give in, it's way easier to avoid the temptation in the first place. Remember how actions that may have felt good in the past ended up making you feel terrible after all. Recall how miserable and wretched it made you - and know that you can choose differently right now. You are totally willing to choose better now, to avoid that hell. And when you do the better thing instead, thank yourself and give yourself a pat on the back. Fuck yeah, you are a badass and not even your own bullshit can stop you anymore.
Also, if something really is going to make you feel better, now and later, then do it. Yesterday night, after a long day of parachute-packing, my back felt keenly sore. I was hungry by the time I was finished packing, and after making and digesting my dinner it was already approaching bedtime. Besides that, aches from other recent workouts hadn't subsided, and a lack of a really good day of rest this week may have been exacerbating those pains. So my scheduled workout really didn't seem like the best bet for my well-being, even though I still kind of wanted to attack it. Instead, I settled for a much-needed gentle yoga and stretching session, and I am glad that I did. I had to think about what would make me feel the best, then and today, based on the state I found myself at the time.
Sometimes we'll find ourselves in situations where the best thing isn't what we'd planned or even might like to do. Stay flexible as your needs and circumstances change. If you find yourself giving in constantly to alternatives or temptations, however, examine this behavior pattern and design a new plan that takes into account what is either your need to go easier and set smaller goals, or else your need to be cleverer than your proclivity towards self-deception as a means to self-gratify in the short-term. Consider that subverting your best intentions means you conveniently get to keep performing the same, dysfunctional, and destructive behaviors. When you behave as you always have, you don't have to put in the effort to change – what a relief! But of course, you'll never realize your dreams that way. Refocus on what you value, and make sure that your goals align with those values. Goals without values attached are literally worthless.
Be sure that your goals are small and easily achievable. If you want to eat a salad every day, but you don't eat salad at all now - you don't even look at salads - then try for eating a salad two days a week: a weekday salad and a weekend salad, to try the new habit in different circumstances. If you want to exercise six days a week, shoot for three or four; and if you would exercise three or four days a week, start with one or two. You can do more if you feel like it. I believe this will make adjustments to your exercise and diet much more manageable. The idea is to start small, and for us especially lazy fuckers even very small is perfectly acceptable. You can always do more later. And because your tiny goals will be much easier to achieve, and you can savor the pride and joy of success more often. You'll better avoid the traps of self-judgment and despondency that come with failure. When you do fail, it'll be easier to fix your fuck up, as you'll have less to do to make up for it. You'll find that as your body starts to feel good about all the love and kindness that you're giving it, you want to give it even more care and good work. That's easy, and that's fabulous.
All this mental and emotional work is at least half of the equation of health and fitness, but the other half includes the physical changes we'll need to make. That means diet and exercise but think of it as eating and playing, because that's really what it turns out to be.
There are approximately seventeen bazillion diets in this world, but for a brief, simple, no-nonsense primer on some sensible eating, I highly recommend Michael Pollan's “Food Rules,” which is absolutely worth the five bucks you'll spend on it if you don't pick it up freely at your local library. (Pick up the version with Maira Kalman's adorable illustrations for colorful reading). One of Michael Pollan's rules is along the lines of shopping the edges of the grocery store. Most stores, That's where you'll find the fresher and less processed foods including vegetables, meats, eggs, dairy, and maybe the bulk items like whole grains and nuts. Excepting a few items like coffee, nut-butters, and the organic noodles my hubby loves, I basically label everything in the center aisles “shit” and approach any item shelved there with a great deal of skepticism. Another rule: if it has to make claims on the package about how good it is for you then it's probably not that good for you at all. This book is a tiny gem that will rapidly make your grocery shopping and choices a lot more rewarding to your body.
Knowledge is power, and knowing not only what's in your food but the effects of that food upon your body and brain can dramatically shift your perspective on foods that once seemed irresistible. If you want the dirty low-down on what the food industry does to rake in our dollars, prepare to be amazed by Michael Moss' “Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us,” (also available in audiobook format). When we learn about these things, our beliefs change, and when our beliefs change our actions follow suit. I promise you, when things that once looked delicious turn into things that look devastating to your body, brain, and the planet, it's a lot easier to get exclusive about what you eat. My lazy friends, curl up with this impressive book and brace yourself for the revelations. Some foods are almost impossibly hard to resist. It turns out that they're scientifically designed and marketed to crumble all of your defenses and invade you, keep you buying for life. When you know the tactics, you'll more deftly dodge the onslaught.
I should also let you know that while some foods may have you charmed you with their potent and unique flavors, I promise you that they lose their appeal in more than just their shit content. After a while of eating healthier foods (which you will also come to savor and love more and more, by the way), your mouth just isn't going to enjoy that greasy, salty, over-sweet, fake-ass trash anymore. Your yearning for these things likewise subsides, and in some cases even turns to revulsion. It doesn't get easier than that.
I almost wanted to avoid talking about this next thing because I used to hate it and think it an awful burden, but more recently I started calorie counting again. Even at the turn of the century, counting calories was still a real pain in the ass. I found it frustrating and a chore to organize and calculate the data I collected back then. Today, apps like Nutritionix have turned the whole process from a complicated shitshow into a gracefully simple and tidily informative process. Recently, after doctors told me to eat a lot more protein, I became concerned that I might end up consuming more calories than I could use, especially because I already eat so much fat every day: avocados, olive oil, nuts, seeds, coconut milk, and cheeses are a constant for me. So I used various calorie calculators to figure out what my daily calorie intake ought to be for my weight, height, age, gender, and activity level. (You can find a plethora of these calculators by googling them. Try different ones and you should see that they should roughly average, be skeptical about anomalous numbers). The number I came up with didn't seem like many calories at first, but only after I started keeping track of my calorie consumption did I realize that I had actually been regularly eating hundreds of calories too few! The addition of entire servings of things like pea protein, salmon and sardines didn't make up the difference. I actually had to eat more. It seems that when we eat nutritious, healthy foods and exercise, we actually get to eat a fuckton. This is a tasty benefit to which you can also look forward.
It might also be wise to mind your macronutrient ratios. Macronutrients are simply the carbohydrates, proteins, and fats which we all need to survive. You can figure out a ratio that suits your needs and goals here. I found that the percentages which came up here aligned well with those my doctors provided. The Nutritionix app also allows me to keep an eye on these ratios throughout the day, which makes it simple to plan, balance, and size my next meal. With the app, I spend three to five minutes a day tracking these things, and it keeps me from under-eating, over-eating, and eating inefficiently. My energy levels and mood stability are dramatically improved since I started paying mind to my macronutrient levels and calorie intake.
As for exercise, I understand your skepticism. Actual physical exertion? Fuuuuuuck. But any beliefs you may have about exercising sucking hard are only that: beliefs. Since a belief is just a thought you think over and over, think thoughts that serve your health and well-being, which is what you value now. Think things like “I've got this. I've got the energy. I am fierce as fuck. This is fun. Fuck yeah, I can go a little further, push a little harder today. I can feel it. I am made of energy!” Pay attention to your thoughts about exercise, and start making sure that they're conducive to getting you to move your body rather than retreat into naptime, but only until you're done moving a little while. I used to dread exercise, but now I love it. That's a natural consequence of banishing all negative thoughts about exercise – before, during and after exercise – and turning all that shit-talking into love-talking. The burn is no longer hellfire, but the growing pains of my muscles, which become stronger and more defined every day. And I don't really "workout." Fuck work, we sloths detest it. Exercise is play. I don't even feel fabulous until after I get in some playtime! My body and brain need it. Remember that words are powerful, and use them to your advantage.
Of course, self-talk only goes so far. Be willing to experiment with a lot of different types of exercise (read: play) until you find something you really enjoy. That's really what turns work into play, see. Don't settle for what you think you're supposed to do, or what you know will work but you don't dig, because you won't want to do it, and you aren't going to form any lasting habits doing things you don't want to do. Find an activity that aligns with your nature and current circumstances and needs, and that will lend the positive self-talk the truth it needs in order for you believe in yourself and keep going.
Finding an exercise regime I both enjoyed and could commit to was probably the hardest part. I tried for years to hit the gym, start jogging, take yoga classes, rock climb, that sort of thing, but nothing ever stuck. Then, about five years ago I actually started my foray into real fitness with a workout video game. I ain't even kidding. My hubby tried to tell me that Ubisoft's Fit in Six is a workout program, but “video game” sounds a helluva lot more fun, so that is what it is to me. The game includes pilates, cardio, kickboxing, Latin and regular dance moves, strength training with focuses on upper, lower and core body, and I downloaded the yoga package for another ten bucks, which is still cheaper than the price of one class at a studio in town. It uses motion controllers for bonus points when you move well, but they aren't necessary.
Every console has titles available that will get you moving, and a lot of them are a real delight that you can enjoy in private or with your pals. More recently I found that the Just Dance series makes me laugh, and surely gets my heart pumping. This series and others like it are available on many platforms. Most of these games include wonderfully brief, even song-length workouts that make starting the process of moving your body great fun that you can enjoy for a one-time fee and without ever leaving your house. With them, I found that starting the regular practice of fitness play was possible for the first time in my life. Here's a list of fitness titles for the Xbox One, Wii, PS3 & PS4 to get you started. And here you'll find a few others for those platforms as well as the Xbox 360 and the Oculus Rift with Samsung VR.
Eventually, I found that on days that my hubby was using the TV or when I made it to bedtime without doing anything, it was easy to crank out a set of squats, a set of push-ups, and a set of crunches, and that this was always better than the nothing that I could have done. Suddenly, I was regularly exercising even out without video games. Let your own journey be a similarly gentle process, especially if that's what allows you to succeed. Remember that you don't have to start like a boss to end up fierce, you just have to start. For us lazy folk who prefer hygge-life to hyper-life, I can think of no better way to get moving than fitness video games.
I still play Fit in Six on days I need to go easy, but even after adding weights and using the longer workouts and more of them I found I needed to progress. You too will reach a time when you'll need more. I live out in the country, miles from even the rock-climbing and trampoline gyms I think are a blast, and these cost money. Besides that, my man and I only like to drive to town once or twice a week, tops, on errands, so they aren't an option that works for me. And if you fear the judgment of others at peopley places, as even I sometimes do, then that's no option for you, either. I had to find more I could do from home, and it turned out that riding my bike out among the almond orchards and rice fields, watching the kestrels and herons and crows about their business gets me moving while simultaneously allowing me to relax. I can push it or go easy as I need to, and stop and snack when I find a patch of blackberries or a fig tree hanging over a roadside ditch. It used to be that even riding to my girlfriend's a half mile away was an effort, but having something to do or fun to have at point b made it feasible. As with the video games, I pushed a little harder over time, and now a real workout on my bike includes riding to at least two of the three local towns, or about thirty miles of riding. Anything less is just a jaunt, an easy joyride. If I had told me this six years ago, I would have laughed and laughed. Riding a bike, roller-blading, and walking or jogging can be easily started from your home and get you outdoors, excellent when you need a bit of sunshine. They're also things that you can start very gently and then increase in intensity and distance as your strength and endurance improve.
About the time my local rides had become easy and it was taking too many hours to get in a good workout that way, my girlfriend introduced me to PiYo. Developed by Chalene Johnson at Beachbody, it takes its inspiration from pilates and yoga, and it's a great step from gentler workouts into something familiar, but more intense. I got hooked on that, and then a cardio and HIIT program called TurboFire, which is fierce as fuck. I use the DVD's, but it turns out that Beachbody has what they call “Beachbody on Demand” which is essentially Netflix for people who want to move their bodies. It's way cheaper than a gym membership and perfect for those of us who don't even want to put on pants, let alone leave the house. You can search for exercise videos by duration and difficulty, and the programs vary in type from tai-chi and yoga to Shaun T's Insanity and Tony Horton's P90X programs, and everything in between. I appreciate that I can use the pause function as often as I want, and until I find that I no longer need to, a sweet win. I anticipate using Beachbody on Demand more once I'm finished with the TurboFire program, less than two weeks from now. And we can log in anywhere and take this with us, should we find ourselves away from home.
If that's still a prettier penny than you'd like to spend but you like the idea of exercise programs on your television, check out your local library's fitness DVD selection. You can try different ones every week this way, explore different kinds of exercise without spending a dime. Some of them might be a little old and cheesy, but they'll do the trick and you'll automatically feel way cooler than your workout buddies; which for some reason makes it easier to believe that you can do the thing, too, if those dorks can do it. I also found more specialty workouts at the library. You'll see things like prenatal yoga, workouts for seniors from Prevention magazine, Zumba, routines from dance companies, weird stuff you might not think about but could love.
The last tip will give you is that you should “find a group of fit friends,” as Mrs. Johnson puts it at the end of one of her TurboFire classes. Surround yourself with people who also love maintaining healthy bodies and minds. I mentioned that my girlfriend showed me PiYo, which really stepped up my fitness level dramatically. I have another strong girlfriend, and her commitment to exercise - or maybe really just her tight abs and adorable butt - inspires my own commitment. Erika Herman is a genius whom I was lucky to meet and study with at UCLA, and she helped expand my earliest studies into health and fitness. She also now offers her talents in helping people with even the most confounding health issues on their paths towards wellness, and I know few people more insightful or capable of exposing hidden corners to light or clarifying the murky. I also follow inspiring and super-fit people like Sunny Eclipse Blades on Facebook. You can opt to see posts by people who share their workouts and healthy meals and tips first in your feed so that you get excited about and motivated in your own efforts. You can even join a group of like-minded people who workout and play as you do. Or you could start your own group, like a couple I know did with the Sloppy Moose Running Club, which jogs to destination beer on the regular in Sacramento. All of these people have helped make me the healthier, happier, stronger person that I am today. Engage with powerfully healthful and positive people, and their energy and knowledge will lift you up, too.
Alright, my sweet and indolent friends. I know that's a lot to process, and I sure as fuck hope you took something useful from all of this. The key things are to love who you already are, every bit of you. Start with very small goals and be kind and gentle towards yourself. Focus on your values and design your goals to suit those values; remind yourself of these values often and especially when faced with the temptation to abandon your efforts towards a healthier, fitter, happier you. Develop your knowledge and do things you enjoy. Surround yourself with people who do the same. If I missed something or you've got your own tips for sloths like me, let me know! There are a lot of us out there, and we could all use the support.
Be well! Also, here is that adorable, swimming sloth:
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