REGARDING ERROR

Sooner or later, we err. We make a mistake, we misjudge, we behave in some way that we wish we hadn't. I guess I always took for granted that this would happen sooner or later, and always accepted it. Even in childhood, I anticipated that error would be part of the learning process and that I shouldn't fear it or berate myself when it occurred, but make every effort to learn from that mistake. Often I strove for perfection in my works, so I learned quickly that only practice would improve my efforts. Practice is the time we provide to allow for many errors which we then examine. We synthesize that data with our intent and then implement new actions towards improvement.

Only recently have I come to realize that a lot of people are actually embarrassed and ashamed when they unintentionally err. They can't handle being wrong on an emotional level. Instead of immediately engaging their brains towards damage control and effective remediation, they stay stuck in the past action in the forms of shame and self-pity, or else completely deny wrongdoing. Either state is entirely unproductive presently and moving forward.

Don't let that fact stop you from sincerely apologizing, however. I know that sometimes I have come across as callous, too quickly moving from error-recognition to solution implementation. Some people - especially if we've hurt them - either want to see us suffer a little in sympathy too or at least be absolutely clear that we see the entirety of the damage we've caused, and we owe them at least a bit of that, surely. We may need to clarify whether or not we have utterly broken their trust in us, and whether they believe the damage is reparable at all. Whether or not this is deserved, or apparently out of proportion with the error, is irrelevant. The situation is as it is, and will not be as we think it should be just because that would make more sense for ourselves. Neither dismiss nor diminish the emotions of others, however unreasonable they may seem. Most often, the emotions of others give not one single fuck about our reasons. If we really meant well, then our continued well-meaning will endeavor to provide the injured party with what they need, not supply ourselves with what we need.

But if the injured are the sort who stay stuck in the past, who would send us on guilt trips by repeatedly reminding us of the damage or attempting otherwise to produce our shame, they may need more time (and if they want it, space) to heal. They may not be the sort of person who ever intends to heal but would wield guilt as a weapon and a means of manipulating us. We may be best served by seeking professional help in regards to dealing more specifically with such folk. Honestly, I have either never dealt with such people, or their attempts have entirely missed the mark, so I am surely not the best help for you. But experts in human behavior - psychologists and counselors - are ready to assist us if we have little success on our own in dealing with any sort of person, and I absolutely recommend taking advantage of their knowledge. I would be inclined to abandon anyone intent on prolonging anyone's suffering, but I can see that there are circumstances - as with my family and others towards whom I feel duty-bound - where I wouldn't be so inclined. Besides getting help from my counselor, I would do my best to stay calm and compassionate with that person I had injured, but maintain enough self-love and clarity to see that any attempt to injure me will only hurt us both further, and that a dramatic shift is required if health and harmony are to be restored to the relationship. 

Regret should make us yearn to improve, and remorse remembered should keep us from the foolish reenactment of similar behaviors. But it is strange, how we'll wallow far too long in that muck of shame, self-pity, and denial. Most of us succumb sooner or later to those useless responses. We can find them sometimes among the bullshit bickering we may engage in with our nearest and dearest, those times when we try to explain ourselves to them after we've offended them in some way we didn't intend or don't understand. 

We get really worked up because we care so much for their approval, and are deeply sensitive to a lack of it. We don't want to look "bad" or intentionally hurtful to our loved ones, or to those whose opinion of us may affect our chances at advancement. But we have to remember that the people worth having around are only and exactly those people with whom we can (accidentally) fuck up, learn, grow and improve together. Otherwise, a thing that can't be maintained or repaired after a little damage or wear and tear is going to fall apart sooner or later, anyhow. This means that in any circumstance where you have injured another, both must believe that the damage can be repaired, and both must be willing to do what it takes to repair it. Else, what we have is shambles. People always fear that, too, but if we've fucked up that massively, surely we needed the lessons so clearly exposed amidst the ruin.

We can find new people and new opportunities as needed. There is always space in which to grow and learn but we have to act in new ways, and we won't act if we don't trust ourselves to do well. We'll never develop trust in ourselves if we refuse to learn and forgive ourselves, and instead dwell upon our past actions. But once we've analyzed our mistakes and learned to do better instead, we can avoid that mistake in the future. When we learn self-forgiveness, then we know we can handle those mistakes we can't avoid. So forget about reliving or dulling the ache of past errors, and redirect the energy of brooding towards actually implementing a better way of doing. We have to be willing to do our best, but okay with sometimes fucking up some more on the way to discovering the least harmful, most harmonious ways of living.

Understand, also, that it is not enough to know not to do a thing again. It is not enough even to know what it means to do better. We must practice doing better. It is helpful to visualize ourselves performing the new behaviors and also to practice in other pretend or simulated circumstances in which error is inconsequential. This better prepares us for performance when the emotionally intense, behavior-triggering circumstance arises. I liken this practice to the way we skydivers and pilots routinely practice our emergency procedures. It's essentially the same thing. (If we approached interaction with others and decision making with the same care that the FAA approaches Aeronautical Decision Making (see AC-60-22), we would be at least as successful as most well-trained pilots are at getting themselves safely to point B. Most often, they do). When shit hits the fan and emotions run high, we're likely to do some stupid and crazy shit if we are not well prepared with the repetitive practice of well-considered and appropriate action. As with emergency procedures, we must practice until the new behavior is completely habitual, and review our procedures often.

Of course this takes applied effort, aka "work." But it's good, meaningful, life-saving work that will make us happier people who less often fuck up, particularly in the same asinine ways. The result of our efforts will not only be to fuck up less and consequently trust ourselves a bit more but also we find that in this way we can change ourselves at any time in whatever ways we need to in order to adapt, thrive and be well in any new circumstance. Mistakes don't make us bad people, but learning from mistakes makes us and those around us happier people. Remember and implement the lessons, and let them make you a happier, kinder, healthier human being.